Luckily, there’s always Momzilla who will randomly call us on Sunday morning and give me lots to talk about.
Momzilla’s phone call was really unexpected. To be honest I was worried seeing her name on the screen at 8 AM. She knows we may still be asleep so unless it’s an emergency, she would not call. One hour later Sing came back to the bedroom – I could see he was very tense.
Apparently Sing’s cousin’s prewedding photoshoot was enough to trigger the ‘Baby alert’ at that side of the family. Because finally they are getting married and are flying to Bali to get their pictures done. That’s just one step closer to the wedding and banquet.
Once they get married, the baby will magically show up. When is our baby coming? How come so many years with no accident? Why we rushed to get married if we don’t have a baby yet?
But it was just the beginning. The further she got into her complaints, the more I realized the title of this post shouldn’t even be ‘家人在一段異國戀情的位置 – interracial
relationships and importance of family’s support’ but just ‘Importance of family’s support of your relationship’.
Doesn’t matter if it’s a long distance, interracial or international marriage. In long run, family’s support is one of the piles used to build a relationship.
I’m not talking about ourselves only, but I’m looking at our friends who married girls from China or South East Asia. Their parents would look down at their wives and complain about money, advantage and what is there to gain.
I know old people have a way different thinking, but as long as their child is happy, who are they to judge? This is not a business someone can run.
At 8 AM, we faced the following questions all of the sudden:
- Why did you get married so fast? You had no real plan for future.
- Can you support yourself when you’re back in Hong Kong?
- Can your wife’s family support you if she gets pregnant and I can’t help?
- Can she find a job not speaking Cantonese fluently?
- What if you cannot find a job, who will support you?
I don’t say Momzilla isn’t right asking these questions, to be honest they are actually very realistic and down to earth questions that probably all international couples have to face, but I think it’s 5 years and 1 Hong Kong apartment too late to be asking them. It’s not like anything’s going to change if she asks, especially when we are independent here in Ireland and have our own, good income.
I guess the saddest part of this conversation is that I realized that Momzilla never really accepted me. She won’t say it straight to my face, she will smile to me, feed me, bring gifts if she comes over, but this seems to be just to keep her face and not because she genuinely likes me.
I thought all the time we spent together helped to build some relationship. Even recently I kept sending her WhatsApp messages in Cantonese but I never heard from her.
At the end, this experience brought Sing and me even closer to each other, but I can’t shake off the feeling of disappointment. I look at the way my parents treat us, always equally – if I get a kinder surprise, Sing is getting one as well; it just makes me think why can’t I be treated the same way?
I appreciate all the financial support we ever got, but isn’t it bit like bullying us with money? I help you so I can tell you what to do. You owe me. Well, I do. However, I also owe my parents, yet they do not call us in the morning saying our life choices were poor and maybe we shouldn’t marry that fast.
I might sound really bitter, maybe in a day or two I won’t feel the same way, but today I feel betrayed. I realized that love is one thing, but your family’s support is needed to form a healthy relationship. I want Sing to feel like part of my family, and I want to be treated like part of his family. Yet, I’m still the outsider. Can I say an incubator? Just give a birth and get the hell out.
Doesn’t matter if it’s financial or mental support, but it has to be there.
My parents do not have money, but they will come over to take care of Biscuit when we fly on holiday. My dad would help around the house, do some home improvement. When we argue, they will even take his side as ‘he doesn’t speak the language, he doesn’t know what’s going on, cut him some slack’. I really appreciate the way they treat Sing and I hope he feels like we are one family.
I love the fact my dad will send Sing football games reminder and my mom will call him ‘Synus’ (Polish: little son). Because what kind of family we would be if he couldn’t just come to them and feel comfortable?
The day we got married two families should make one. I guess we may need another 5 years or a baby to make that happen, but at least it helped me realize my situation and how critical, to me, is family and family’s support.
I will carry on and still try to make an effort to befriend my husband’s family. I do not want any of them out of our lives, doesn’t matter how it is today. But I won’t change my life or who I am for that.
Have you been in a similar situation? Would you agree that family’s support is one of the pillars of a healthy relationship? What would be your advise to anyone in this situation? I would love to read your stories!