They say that if you marry a Chinese, you marry the whole family. They forgot to mention that it is exactly the same with Polish families.
In the last few years of our marriage, in our Hong Kong/Shanghainese/Polish household, my uterus and its content grew to be the hottest topic. This July we are celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary and with no baby in sight, the alarms are going off every month *NO BABY* occurs. Red lights are shining in Momzilla’s bedroom and the alarm siren starts playing.
If you read my blog for a while, you should know for a while we intensively tried to have a baby. We put so much pressure on ourselves that probably this was the reason why it didn’t work out. We wanted and still want to have a baby, but we don’t try the same way as we did before. If it happens, we will be happy. We are focusing on our move back to Hong Kong and kinda putaway BB-plans for later.
Don’t get me wrong, if I become pregnant, I will be the happiest woman on earth, but as it is now I try to take my mind away and put all the efforts on our move. It could be bit difficult to move with a baby, a cat and a giant baby who won’t let me put my legs on him on a flight.
Because of this, whenever someone asks us about our family plans I say ‘Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Currently, no pressure. Maybe near future’.
There are few reactions to this:
- Oh, cool. Good you don’t put pressure on yourself anymore – if it happens, it happens.
- Do you need me to show you how to make one? My cousin’s husband said that to Sing as a joke. But in fact he has a lovely little daughter that stole Sing’s heart last year and was the reason why Sing’s paternal instinct finally kicked in.
- Will I ever see my grandchild? I might be dead by that time! You would think it’s Momzilla’s quote, but surprise! surprise! It’s my own dad. He had a heart attack when he was only 44 so now he is overly dramatic. Especially he is not really good with kids. He is scared to even hold them. I think he hopes I’m going to pop-out a little fisherman for him.
- THIS IS A LIE!!!!! YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH!!!! THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG HERE!!!! SO MANY YEARS AND NO ACCIDENT?!!!! – I guess you know who that can be.
Overall, my side of the family is pretty cool – whatever the reason is, they will make a little joke and that’s it. Maybe they will mock Sing a bit, but they are not trying to hurt him.
On the other side we have Sing’s family. They are old-fashioned (outside grandma still thinks Czechoslovakia exists) family that sticks their nose into any aspect of your life. Every new person introduced has to file a form with their income, occupation, residential status, diseases in the closest family, attach two pictures and a bank statement before they even talk to you. Or should I say, interrogate you.
They are the kind of people that think the only purpose of marriage is to have kids. You put a ring on a hand of your significant other and that exact moment your sperm gets faster, your wife’s ovaries are releasing the eggs – TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT. No exceptions. They do not believe you may not be ready or do not want it.
Even Momzilla who is more open-minded than her family, is calling my husband and say things like (these are actual quotes, you can’t make this up):
- So many years and no accident? People are having one night stands and have accidents, and you can’t have?
- What pressure? No pressure – just shot and it should work. Don’t bring psychology into this!
- Grandma called me asking about the baby. WHERE’S THE BABY?!
- Did you go to doctor? Did Na go to doctor?
- I looked this articles online *sends billion articles about problems with conceiving* (she doesn’t know how to use her phone camera but she will always find a video of baby)
Imagine how awkward it is to talk to your own mother about your sex life. Even more awkward for me, won’t look her in the eyes anymore. SHE KNOWS WE MAY OR MAY NOT DO IT. Eww.
At this point we have both of the families asking in more or less discreet way about our plans, but as I mentioned – if it happens, it happens. I will be very happy, but I won’t do the same mistake of thinking ‘You must have a baby THIS TIME’. That f-ed me up really badly, mentally and physically. So to everyone we say ‘We want to wait’. See what life brings. It’s much better than worrying it today the day, we need to do IT even thought we are not in the mood, but it’s the perfect time!
We respect our families, but we live our own lives. They won’t live it for us. They won’t wake up to the baby at night, they won’t look after which school to pick. So we learned to say things straight to them and if they do not understand, we just hang up the phone. I know they may say things like this because they care and they are worried, in their own twisted way, but if you marry the family, but you want your family-marriage to respect you.
They need to learn there are some things you just don’t push on.
I also hope they will focus on one of Sing’s cousins who only has a baby girl and because of this ‘Nutritious water will go to someone else’s farm’. He was pushed by grandma, and look what happened?! 😉
Also, have you noticed that my family is kinda ‘pushing the blame’ on Sing, and on his side everyone will look at me like I’m the source of the all evil?
At least this brings us together in the fight for our intimacy. As they said, nothing unites more than a common enemy. And one day, as a team, we’re going to surprise them with good news. Just not today.
What do you think about families interfering with couple’s private life, not only in case of parenthood, but in general? How about your in-laws? Tell us your story, we would love to read it!