從幾時生孩子變成全家要管的事情? – when your uterus becomes family business

They say that if you marry a Chinese, you marry the whole family. They forgot to mention that it is exactly the same with Polish families.

In the last few years of our marriage, in our Hong Kong/Shanghainese/Polish household, my uterus and its content grew to be the hottest topic. This July we are celebrating our fifth wedding anniversary and with no baby in sight, the alarms are going off every month *NO BABY* occurs. Red lights are shining in Momzilla’s bedroom and the alarm siren starts playing.

If you read my blog for a while, you should know for a while we intensively tried to have a baby. We put so much pressure on ourselves that probably this was the reason why it didn’t work out. We wanted and still want to have a baby, but we don’t try the same way as we did before. If it happens, we will be happy. We are focusing on our move back to Hong Kong and kinda putaway BB-plans for later.

Don’t get me wrong, if I become pregnant, I will be the happiest woman on earth, but as it is now I try to take my mind away and put all the efforts on our move. It could be bit difficult to move with a baby, a cat and a giant baby who won’t let me put my legs on him on a flight.

Because of this, whenever someone asks us about our family plans I say ‘Let’s see what tomorrow brings. Currently, no pressure. Maybe near future’.

There are few reactions to this:

  1. Oh, cool. Good you don’t put pressure on yourself anymore – if it happens, it happens.
  2. Do you need me to show you how to make one? My cousin’s husband said that to Sing as a joke. But in fact he has a lovely little daughter that stole Sing’s heart last year and was the reason why Sing’s paternal instinct finally kicked in.
  3. Will I ever see my grandchild? I might be dead by that time! You would think it’s Momzilla’s quote, but surprise! surprise! It’s my own dad. He had a heart attack when he was only 44 so now he is overly dramatic. Especially he is not really good with kids. He is scared to even hold them. I think he hopes I’m going to pop-out a little fisherman for him.
  4. THIS IS A LIE!!!!! YOU’RE NOT TELLING ME THE TRUTH!!!! THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG HERE!!!! SO MANY YEARS AND NO ACCIDENT?!!!! – I guess you know who that can be.

Overall, my side of the family is pretty cool – whatever the reason is, they will make a little joke and that’s it. Maybe they will mock Sing a bit, but they are not trying to hurt him.

On the other side we have Sing’s family. They are old-fashioned (outside grandma still thinks Czechoslovakia exists) family that sticks their nose into any aspect of your life. Every new person introduced has to file a form with their income, occupation, residential status, diseases in the closest family, attach two pictures and a bank statement before they even talk to you. Or should I say, interrogate you.

They are the kind of people that think the only purpose of marriage is to have kids. You put a ring on a hand of your significant other and that exact moment your sperm gets faster, your wife’s ovaries are releasing the eggs – TONIGHT’S THE NIGHT. No exceptions. They do not believe you may not be ready or do not want it.

Even Momzilla who is more open-minded than her family, is calling my husband and say things like (these are actual quotes, you can’t make this up):

  • So many years and no accident? People are having one night stands and have accidents, and you can’t have?
  • What pressure? No pressure – just shot and it should work. Don’t bring psychology into this!
  • Grandma called me asking about the baby. WHERE’S THE BABY?!
  • Did you go to doctor? Did Na go to doctor?
  • I looked this articles online *sends billion articles about problems with conceiving* (she doesn’t know how to use her phone camera but she will always find a video of baby)

Imagine how awkward it is to talk to your own mother about your sex life. Even more awkward for me, won’t look her in the eyes anymore. SHE KNOWS WE MAY OR MAY NOT DO IT. Eww.

At this point we have both of the families asking in more or less discreet way about our plans, but as I mentioned – if it happens, it happens. I will be very happy, but I won’t do the same mistake of thinking ‘You must have a baby THIS TIME’. That f-ed me up really badly, mentally and physically. So to everyone we say ‘We want to wait’. See what life brings. It’s much better than worrying it today the day, we need to do IT even thought we are not in the mood, but it’s the perfect time!

We respect our families, but we live our own lives. They won’t live it for us. They won’t wake up to the baby at night, they won’t look after which school to pick. So we learned to say things straight to them and if they do not understand, we just hang up the phone. I know they may say things like this because they care and they are worried, in their own twisted way, but if you marry the family, but you want your family-marriage to respect you.  
They need to learn there are some things you just don’t push on.

I also hope they will focus on one of Sing’s cousins who only has a baby girl and because of this ‘Nutritious water will go to someone else’s farm’. He was pushed by grandma, and look what happened?! 😉

Also, have you noticed that my family is kinda ‘pushing the blame’ on Sing, and on his side everyone will look at me like I’m the source of the all evil?
At least this brings us together in the fight for our intimacy. As they said, nothing unites more than a common enemy. And one day, as a team, we’re going to surprise them with good news. Just not today.

What do you think about families interfering with couple’s private life, not only in case of parenthood, but in general? How about your in-laws? Tell us your story, we would love to read it!

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32 thoughts on “從幾時生孩子變成全家要管的事情? – when your uterus becomes family business

  1. Sigh. It never ends does it. When will people learn that what happens between people in the sheets is no one else’s business! Even more so whatever is or isn’t in a woman’s uterus is no one’s business! Fortunately, we’ve not had nosy noses nosing in out reproductive business but then we’ve only been married 2.5 years. Good luck and I hope your family just shuts up about it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You are a loving and beautiful couple. Live your life your way. If you have children or if you do not. It is up to you and nature. May the Force be with you ! Happy Trails.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Why yes I know these feelings well and I have written many posts about the hours I spend explaining why we don’t want kids now and how birth control works and no, I’m not planning on freezing my eggs and no there’s nothing wrong and yes, I’m eating enough meat and no, we don’t need a sex platform.

    Good times.

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  4. My parents were actually really suprised when they got the news that they would become grandparents back then. They didn’t expect anything for another 10-15 years I guess, especially as my brother is by now 50 and still has no children :p
    My wife’s family was a whole different matter though. Daily messages ever since we got married about when trying to conceive the child, online articles, what food to eat and and and (guess you have read it all by now!). Just insane the focus on getting a child asap after getting married. The Chinese family was so shocked to hear that my mom had me when she was over 40! They didn’t even know/ imagine something like that is possible as for them turning 30 is already an impossible age to have still children.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. It is horrible how people feel comfortable asking about something so private. ESPECIALLY if there are problems with conceiving. How horrible to answer this question, regardless. I make sure I don’t ask my son and DIL about this topic.

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  6. Momzila quotes are the new classics. 😂🤣 how’s ‘So many years and no accident?’ if that’s not a winner, I don’t know what is. She has outdone herself. 🤣😂

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  7. So sorry to hear this happen to you. I come from a Chinese family myself, but I’m still too young for marriage or kids. I wonder if there is a difference in dialogue if the family is living in Asia or in Western countries. Your post was full of humour and fun to read.

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  8. Wow! If I had pressure like that, I’d just be more determined to NOT have a baby! Luckily none of my family would expect that, and I don’t think Panda’s do either… (though his Mum did apparently ask him when we were going to get married after less than 1 year of dating… 😕) Hope everything goes the way you want it when you want it! 🙂

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  9. Apparently my Chinese parents-in-law had told my husband that “it’s difficult to get foreign women pregnant” in order to get him to hurry up and start trying… Jokes on them though, as I got pregnant during the first cycle of trying.

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  10. Is writing about your husband’s sperm not being able to fertilize an egg considered high-fashion even before getting a real confirmation from qualified professionals?
    Who says one needs to be married to have babies. Plenty of people pop out babies even without getting married. The real reason people get married is because they promise to fuck only one person their entire life (reduce the chances of STDs), to ensure their offspring lineage or inheritance and for certain women to validate the value of their existence.
    I think more Chinese men should marry Caucasian women and not have babies due to overpopulation crisis. Global warming is largely caused by overpopulation. Citizens of scarcely populated countries like Scandinavia are happier and the government more likely to take care of them. It’s quality over quantity. China got it wrong! Sing is so smart!

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    1. We still didn’t seek help as we didn’t try ‘too much’ for too long. If it happens, it happens. However once we move back and we start trying again ‘for real’ – we will go.
      I think Sing really wants a child, he was recently crying over HK commercial when a daddy’s girl brings a boyfriend home. As a kid she wiped her father’s mouth from rice – Sing had to pause and said ‘I want a child, but I don’t want a girl, she will leave me for some stupid bf one day’ – that was cute and crazy at the same time haha

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      1. When you do try for real, don’t be quick to blame or judge one another. Accepting reality is painful enough. No one wants to be a biological failure on purpose because it contradicts the very purpose of one’s existence. Don’t ask WHY ME? It won’t solve the problem. This question only makes one feel worse and worthless. There are countless reasons such as stress, diet (eating food sprayed with too much pesticides), contaminated water, radiation, ovarian cyst, and etc…
        I am not a sex expert but I do know that some men lose interest when they lose respect. For example, when a woman threatens to leave if the house is not clean, scolds the husband when their demands not met or trap in between mother and daughter-in-law feud. From research, women’s interest in sex drop significantly after marriage which is bizarre because religious oppression had condition society to think that sex outside marriage is dirty yet when they can legally have sex as much as possible, they lose interest. So, rekindling desire is a whole different life lesson to be explored by couples. Some like it in the morning, some like it in the evening while some don’t feel like it after having a bad day at work. That is why I discourage couples from working within the same company. They bring home office related problems like why the partner didn’t help as expected and that creates resentment. Resentment kills passion. Desire flourish when you can see the mysterious side of your partner that you’ve never seen. Surprise each other by cooking something exotic out of the blue, learn pole dancing or belly dancing, sexting, sending photos of lingerie and etc. Yes, life is fucked up. It requires plenty of fine tuning!
        On critical parents, learn to channel their so called twisted thinking or quirks into strength. Just remember, GroPro5 won’t exist without GroPro4. Parents are humans too. They have emotions, vulnerabilities, insecurities, went through difficult life circumstances and made tough choices. They may have been cheated by relatives, betrayed by someone closest to them, experienced holocaust in concentration camp or WWII atrocities. These experiences are difficult to forget. Ask yourself this question, it is easier to change myself or to change the world? You’ll have an instant answer. Some things are hard to let go even by yourself let alone elderly parents. The education in the past never taught parents ways of communicating and expressing themselves effectively. A reason generation gap happens.

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  11. It sounds like you and Sing have hit on a good attitude. I wish you all the best no matter which way your life path may go.

    Infertility is a big issue in the novel I’m working on. It’s so complicated and emotional. I’m having a hard time doing justice to it, and I’m still unsure how the novel should end. We’ll see.

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  12. The struggle is definitely real!I know so well what you’re going through though thankfully I get NO PRESSURE WHATSOEVER from my family, neither does my husband, they are just not bothered.I honestly don’t think they’d even mind if we decided we didn’t want a baby at all. His family though….Their comments/questions are sutble,FOR NOW, but are getting more frequent,which worries me slightly as I’m in no rush at all. Good on you two for taking on this relaxed attitude.

    Like

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