不要再問BB的事情了 – do not ask me about the baby

I try to stay optimistic, I try to smile even when it’s hard. I don’t like to greet people with a sad face. In real life and in my blogging/vlogging life I try to be happy and share my happiness with you (like in the newest-quite-old vlog from our recent trip which you can see by clicking here or below) because I feel guilty when I’m sad. But I have a really serious topic to discuss today. Not even discuss, more like share the very intimate part of our life – I honestly don’t know what to expect, maybe I hope it won’t be that painful if I don’t need to hide it anymore. I really don’t know.

And the topic is… having a baby.

Typical dating life of a Hongkonger looks more or less like this:image (22)

  • Don’t go on dates, boyfriend/girlfriend can wait, study hard and graduate
  • Congrats, you graduated, now show me your fiance, we need to discuss marriage. What do you mean there’s no fiance? Then go find one!
  • It’s your first day as husband and wife, so when are we going to be grandparents? Tick tack, clock is moving.

The baby should show up within a year from getting married. So far we passed the dating phase, we got married and since that time we are stuck. Nearly 4 years of marriage and no baby on the way.

With our upcoming wedding anniversary in July we keep more and more questions from people. I had hope that at least Sing’s family will be more occupied with Sing’s nearly 25 year old not married sister, but apparently my uterus is number 1 topic on family gatherings. 

I try to smile and make it all as a joke, but as a matter of fact, I’m getting annoyed. Not annoyed at you or anyone image (19)asking that questions. To me that is pretty natural, not necessarily means that we should be asking people that sort of questions, but it’s not something that would make me mad or offended.

I’m more annoyed because I can’t have something that I really want.

For a long long time we were postponing the baby plans. Because we didn’t have a stable home in America, because we moved to Ireland, because there was a slight chance of going back for good to Hong Kong, because we didn’t have any specific plans… Then it hit us, that we both really want to have a baby. We decided to settle down in Ireland for now, get our own home and with our bid accepted we started trying. 

Half a year into trying and again I’ve seen that ‘Not pregnant’ on the test. I just burst out in tears. You have no idea how much money I spent over last half a year for the pregnancy test, ovulation tests, vitamins that are suppose to help you get pregnant. Too many false alarm just shattered me. I did one literally yesterday with my period being very late – I was recently moody, I thought my body changed a bit, I thought finally that was it. And then I’ve seen same old shit ‘Not pregnant’.image (21)

Another friend of ours just had a baby, I couldn’t be more happy for him, but deep inside I was crying. Why everyone around seems to be having a baby recently – our friends, people I know from blogging community. I’m happy for all of you, but I wish it could be me too.

It is so frustrating when you watch shows like Maury and you see people saying ‘That was only one night stand but the baby is yours!’ and I’m here trying like a freaking rabbit to be pregnant. Why is it that when you are not really, it is so easy to get pregnant, but when you think you are mentally ready, financially prepared for it, it just doesn’t want to happen.

To make matters worst, it’s something we cannot tell our families. It’s not easy, but I can tell you about this. As for my parents, they would probably keep dragging us from one doctor to another (my mother loves doctors, even when you sneeze she will ask you to watch out because you may get asthma from that). As for Momzilla and Sing’s side of the family… well, they would blame me and that wouldn’t help at all.

It’s not that they would blame me because Sing is a little treasure and he’s perfect. They could blame me because I know they would be right. How am I supposed to know that? The answer is simple: I already was pregnant with Sing. 

But I wasn’t able to keep it. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of 2012, my period was late and I did the test. Two lines. Pregnant. I wasn’t even 21, I wasn’t ready. Sing was already back in America and we were in long distance relationship. Not even married. I went to the doctor for an ultrasound to confirm the pregnant. It’s still with us. I was scared and confused, I felt alone, even thought Sing step up. But it didn’t last long – I don’t want to get into the details, as it is still painful. Our baby would be nearly 3.5 now. I always felt it was a boy.

image (20)With the loss and now being unable to get pregnant I’m mad and disappointed with myself. I cannot be mad at Sing when I know everything there works perfectly. It’s just my fault.

Some of you will probably say ‘it’s not your fault’ or ‘maybe stop trying and let it happen naturally’ but either way didn’t work of us very well. It’s just something we have to face and go through. 

It’s not really good for our relationship – I’m very tense and I get annoyed easily because of all the pressure. Measure this, check that, count if it’s the right day, sorry we won’t have sex today because it’s not the right time so keep your swimmers there ready for the big day. But deep inside I know it will turn out good for us. Not today or tomorrow, but eventually. I have a sweet man who stands by me for good and for bad…

So please everyone, don’t ask me about the baby anymore. It’s not that we don’t want it, maybe we just want it too much. But when the day comes, when I can share the news, I will let you know that Little Prince Born Under The Rainbow Junior Chan is coming.

Also, I wouldn’t be myself if I left you in a gloomy mood – here are some great advice sent by Momzilla through Line/WeChat. And yes, these are translated actual messages from her – creepy, eww and awkward at the same time, but it’s kinda hilarious how your own mother gives you advice in making babies. Glad my parents are normal.image (18)

  • Do not drink cold water, uterus will reject the baby
  • How come there was no accident? Even the best condoms break in few years!
  • When are you going to have a baby? Na pregnant? I want to know first!
  • Leave it inside for longer! Ask her not to shower!
  • Put a pillow and keep the hips up! No spilling!
  • Do it twice a day, in a month you will have a baby!

Thanks, Momzilla – I’m already pregnant just by reading your texts.

I hope you can understand me. Maybe some of you share the same problem. I don’t know, I don’t want to force you to talk about it if you don’t feel like, but I’m glad I could finally open up and take it off my chest. Wish us luck this month!

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70 thoughts on “不要再問BB的事情了 – do not ask me about the baby

  1. When are you having kids? I was asked by relatives and friends all the time. Filipinos have no filters when it comes to this. I found that, in my case, when I said “It’s too late, I’m high risk now. I know, cause I’m a nurse!” People shut up. There were a few who were persistent, but I ignored them.
    I empathize with you. Wishing you all the best on your endeavor. Keep trying. A friend of mine tried for years and failed, then she had treatment to monitor her fertility periods. Her baby will be a year old next month.

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    1. I don’t know why but further to East less empathetic people become – like making that comments were OK! Questions like ‘any baby plans?’ are fine to me, can easily make up something but with ‘when are you going to have your baby?’ what the hell should I respond? ‘I don’t know, maybe when my uterus decides?!’. I know it’s not other’s people fault, but so many people keep asking that questions that I feel overwhelmed.
      Thank you so much for your comment!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. People should really mind their own business on this matter. Some are too insensitive to know they’re stepping over a line. Hang in there. You seem like a strong woman and a fighter, too.

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  2. You’re so right. It’s really not as easy as I thought it would be. We’re not trying per se, but have given up trying NOT to have one, and nothing. That line from the movie Mean Girls: “Don’t have sex. You will get pregnant. And die.”? Apparently it’s just SO not as easy as all that! It takes time.

    I live with my Momzilla now. So I can relate. It’s been 7 months with her. I get cornered in the laundry room asking about my menstrual cycle. I have to take weird herbal soups and pills all the time because I’m not regular. And it’s totally normal in my house to hear, “hey you have to tell me when your period comes so that I can go buy a chicken.” And I get interrupted while I’m skyping my mum who I can talk to only once a week because of time difference because I have to listen to a long lecture on how the herbs she’s making me eat aren’t to help us conceive/make me feel fertile, but rather to make sure my baby-maker health is optimal…while my mother who doesn’t understand a word just listens in rather confused. And she even called her mother in China to tell me I shouldn’t drink so much black tea with milk and sugar, as British people are wont to doing (that one in particular makes me sad – I’ve given up a lot, but don’t touch my tea) because sugar is too cooling – bad for uterus health.
    While I do appreciate all of her help and her concern, I am glad this is not a permanent situation….

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    1. at least your Momzilla ASKS about period – mine is just spying in the dirty laundry… ewww… pretending she’s just cleaning. Eww Momz, go away.
      If you think she gives you hard time just imagine the time she will feed you with fish head soup and ask you to wear a hat at home once you deliver 😀

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      1. haha. that’s crazy! Yeah that’s the bad part about being able to converse directly. She can ask me all sorts of crazy shenanigan questions and I can’t say, “Oh, I just don’t understand you.”

        And oh no. No no no. I am not doing that traditional 30 day confinement. Nope. Not doing it. Not taking ANY part of that. Luckily Kelvin is as stubborn as she is and will stick up for me and not let her go full on crazy. Will Momzilla make sure you are confined for 30 days? I hope in that case you do not have a baby in the summer – no A/C, fans (or showers) allowed!

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        1. we live in Ireland so summer is not really and issue haha. But Sing believes that 30 days works because ‘Mom did it with me and I’m smart, she didn’t do it with my sister and she’s not as smart and nice as I am’. Yes, sweet brother.

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          1. It is if there is a heat wave like there has been in recent years! Seriously though good luck on that. Confinement is really very tough if you strictly adhere to the rules.

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    2. Too late now, but its worth mentioning that all the parents in my peer group have said there’s never a right time to have a baby…theres always something in life in the way.

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  3. I am so sorry. I understand the pressure, and I understand the pain. None of the close friends that I write about were able to have babies easily. For one, her husband’s sperm didn’t move (they adopted). Another has what are known as “killer cells,” meaning that her body’s immune system killed every fetus in the first trimester. 6 miscarriages (!) and many expensive treatments later, she had a boy. Two friends just decided they weren’t meant to have kids.

    For all of them, every story about an unwanted child from a one-night stand was a heartbreaking reminder of the injustice.

    I think, especially as I get older in the United States, there are so many couples that can’t have kids that “asking about the baby” is becoming outright rude.

    Unless you have Chinese in-laws, in which case there’s pretty much a daily phone call inquiring about the state of the uterus. 😦

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    1. I cannot imagine how tough it had to be to your friends. Especially the one who miscarried so many times, poor things.
      I don’t know why further to East less sensitive people are – they will just pop out with that kind of questions like it’s just your mood that you don’t want kids, and they don’t think you simply might have problems. But then, you have most of our population in Asia so…

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  4. If after one year still don’t have a baby then maybe can consider visiting the gynaecologist for a fertility check up. I don’t like to speculate but if by any chance you’ve had a previous abortion and it was not properly performed by a highly skilled medical professional then very high chances of uterus wall getting damaged. After confirmation can decide on other options such as “in vitro fertilization”. In the mean time stay positive, relax and just enjoy sex. Couples need to understand that sex can be very enjoyable even when having a baby is not the ultimate goal. I have a friend who had a baby only after 7 years of marriage. She works in a very high pressure industry. Sometimes women need to sacrifice her career just to maintain her family life. Good luck!

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    1. What? No, abortion is illegal in Poland, no God no.
      As per doctor, I read it can take up to a year to determinate if there’s a serious reason for not being pregnant, and I think I will probably push it until year passed because I’m too scared to hear it.
      I mean, how will I face myself, my husband, his family? What if I just won’t be able to have it? I never thought about it.
      Few years ago I would pray to not be pregnant at that moment and now when we are both ready there’s no effect.

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      1. Don’t think so much for the time-being. No point worrying about what you cannot control in life. Now is not the time to think about facing husband, in-laws and etc… Just enjoy life. Take life challenges as it comes. Everyday, take a little moment like 10 mins before going to sleep to visualize life with your future baby. Think about happy family life. It’s call positive visualization and tremendously powerful. Many athletes do it before winning a game. You can do it! All the best!

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  5. Hi Lina, Thank you so much for sharing your sweet, personal post that almost made me tear up. My wife and I went through something similar. She is Taiwanese, so I understand the Chinese family pressure to have a baby. The pressure is just so unfair, I think. As if that’s going to produce a baby? Or as if they’re smarter than you and think you’re obviously doing something wrong? It can be so frustrating, so I do empathize with you. My wife was really good at somehow keeping the peace without giving in to their pressure, but I know that was hard for her before she got pregnant. I will keep you in my prayers – just did now – that it will happen for you two soon. Best, best, best to you both!!

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  6. As a Chinese, I totally understand the situation. For me I just simply ignored what they told me to do, either in career or in personal life. You should go ahead to enjoy the life, and let everything comes naturally.

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  7. I’m 45 years old, no kids
    I don’t want them, and never will. The world is overpopulated already. If you really want kids then please adopt, it’s the most humane thing to do.

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  8. Coming from a Greek family, I can somewhat relate to you. I haven’t really shared this story but my parents tried for nearly10 years before they conceived me! They went to tons of fertility doctors and IVF and whatnot. The Greek family were super pressurizing because it’s a norm to have a child after a year or so of marriage. We only recently found out (about two years ago) that my mom has a protein intolerance and there was a high likelihood that her body rejected sperm… But like my parents say, I’m a miracle child. 🙂 My parents felt like giving up, but they didn’t ❤ and I just want you to know that you shouldn’t give up either ❤ I just want to say thank you for sharing your post with us and never give up <3. Stay strong, Lina ❤ you have all of us supporting you ❤

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  9. Hello Lina, I’ve been following your blog now for a while and usually I don’t write a comment on a post. But I really feel your pain and – acutally – I do know a lot of people who had the same or a similar problem including myself. My gynacologist told me that it would be difficult for me to become pregnant within half a year. My cycle is extremely long and unsteady, sometimes 28 days, sometimes up to 47 days. So naturally it’s very difficult to plan on making a baby. I always thought I wanted to have my life go like this: Study, work my way up for about 4 years, marry and then have my first child around the age of 30. Well, after that talk with my gyn I totally changed my priorities. I’m still on my first job which I have for about 2 years, didn’t get promoted or a raise during that time. But you know what? I started not to care for that anymore. Because I was afraid that maybe if we waited too long with the “trying” I would feel too much pressure. That’s also the reason why we didn’t tell anyone that we wanted to have a child soon. Everyone thought we would wait until I was about 30. Now I am 28. But even without the external stress that you have, I also had problems becoming pregnant. The average trying time is half a year. And since I didn’t pressure myself and no one else pressured me I was lucky enough that my gyn wasn’t right. I got pregnant in the 7th try. You might not want to hear it, but if you pressure yourself with this, your body will automatically cramp, your body will shut down more easily. Doing it often doesn’t help anything. We didn’t do it often. We did it when we felt like it. Only thing I did was taking my own temperature right after waking up every morning. When it went up (like massively!) then I could tell that maybe it was a good time for doing it. But even then we didn’t always do it, because it definitely would’ve put too much pressure on me thinking “I HAVE TO do it now!”. That’s the biggest mistake that someone can do if they want a baby. You don’t want to hear it, but I will say it anyway because I have seen so many friends who tried for like forever, fiercely and had been disappointed when they saw the endless “not pregnant”s on the test stripes. Then, when they had already given up and started not to think about it anymore, suddenly they were pregnant. It’s all about how relaxed you are. Just cuddle with your husband, make love with him whenever you want. Making love is not only meant for babymaking 😉 It’s something too special and intimate to do with the person you love most. Oh: And from a medical point of view. Doing it often, like when the man does it often (no matter if he does it with you or by himself), can lower the sperm quality, so definitely better don’t listen to momzillas advice to do it twice every day. That might have the opposite effect 😉 I know it is hard, but don’t buy pregnancy tests even if your period is overdue for like a couple days. Even the act of buying these tests will put you under pressure internally. If, say like, you are 10 days overdue, then I’d buy a test. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to force you into something. I just want to be honest. Don’t let anyone else put you down. Most of that pressure – from what I can read in your post – is you yourself being sad and frustrated with yourself. What your brain and body need most in this situation and stage in your life is relaxing and not thinking about it. It is difficult, I’ve seen many go through such a hard time. My cousin tried for 2 years, she almost gave it up. But, everything went well and now her daughter is 16 months old. I wish you all the best and that you put yourself first now (don’t put a future child first which is not there yet). But yourself first, drink a nice tea, get a massage, meditate or whatever feels good to your mind and body. Best of wishes from Germany 🙂

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    1. Thank you for such a long input. I think I should take your words into consideration, but you know how hard it is not to pressure yourself… Anyway, thank you so much for sharing your story, hopefully I will be to reach peace of mind and make it happen 🙂

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      1. I know it is really hard. Sometimes you yourself are your worst enemy. I’ve also come to realize that in different kinds of things in my life. You know that Disney movie Frozen? Try it with the “Let it go” part ❤ Wish you all the best, happiness and a relaxed mind 💕

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  10. Advice from Sing’s Mom may be making no sense to you but it does work on me and some of friends who were trying to have a baby for long time. I mean #1, #4, #5 . Believe it or not. And especially for #1, from chinese medicine perspective, it is true that if your uterus is always “Cold” and it will be relatively not easy for the embryo implantation. And that’s my sister’s case. She always feel “cold” , including feet and hand and even the “adomen and uterus” area and she’s been trying for almost 3-4 years….until recently, she tries to eat Bee Pollen and then she feels “warm” in her body and two months later, she got pregnant and now it’s 6 months. Well, I know you are from western country and hence you may not be too into “Chinese Medicine Perspective”. Just sharing with you. I totally understand how you feel as I had gone through your stage. My first one was “accident” but it then turned out to be ectopic pregnancy. With this loss, we planned to try again after 6-month recovery for my “uterus”, however, then I found out my chronic illness flares up and I need to take medicines that prevents me from getting baby as those meds are harmful to baby…………..it’s another year again and it’s a painful time. Long story short, my husband and I was crying so hard when I saw “one line” on the test too….but now I’m almost 5 months pregnancy. Just want to tell you that you are not alone. Never give up. With all those, you will feel how blessed you are when the day comes. Support you!

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  11. Advice from Sing’s Mom may be making no sense to you but it does work on me and some of friends who were trying to have a baby for long time. I mean #1, #4, #5 . Believe it or not. And especially for #1, from chinese medicine perspective, it is true that if your uterus is always “Cold” and it will be relatively not easy for the embryo implantation. And that’s my sister’s case. She always feel “cold” , including feet and hand and even the “adomen and uterus” area and she’s been trying for almost 3-4 years….until recently, she tries to eat Bee Pollen and then she feels “warm” in her body and two months later, she got pregnant and now it’s 6 months. Well, I know you are from western country and hence you may not be too into “Chinese Medicine Perspective”. Just sharing with you. I totally understand how you feel as I had gone through your stage. My first one was “accident” but it then turned out to be ectopic pregnancy. With this loss, we planned to try again after 6-month recovery for my “uterus”, however, then I found out my chronic illness flares up and I need to take medicines that prevents me from getting baby as those meds are harmful to baby…………..it’s another year again and it’s a painful time. Long story short, my husband and I was crying so hard when I saw “one line” on the test too….but now I’m almost 5 months pregnancy. Just want to tell you that you are not alone. Never give up. With all those, you will feel how blessed you are when the day comes. Support you!

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    1. I’m so happy that eventually you were able to get pregnant. I wish you all best and I hope your labor will be fast and painless 🙂 maybe I should actually ask Momzilla to send some stuff. I tried to take vitamins from the pharmacy but it doesn’t seem to work

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  12. Hey girl. Thank you for sharing this piece. I know it’s not easy to share so much information. But it’s not necessary a bad thing. Sometimes, we just need to get it out of the system. I didn’t know you struggle that much and the background story and I am really sorry I brought it up in one of the comments. Personally, I don’t usually ask people that because I don’t really want people to ask me that either.
    My parents had been bugging me for the past 10 years to have a baby and all my cousins have babies doesn’t help either. My parents even suggested us to have a baby when Mrs. Wong was in school and we weren’t married! Imagine how desperate they were! (coming from traditional Chinese parents) We were actually planning to start earlier this year to have a baby, so we weren’t even trying and guess what? Mini Wong came. I have another friend who is in her 40s and she did the IVF for the first baby cause they tried for so long. And 2 years later, her 2nd boy was born without any planning. What I am trying to say is that, don’t stress yourself about this. A lot of people get pregnant during small trips or vacations and most likely they were relaxed. So, I would say enjoy each other and relax. Don’t worry about what others or even Momzilla thinks. It’s your body and you have to take care of the baby, not Momzilla or anyone else. So, the decision is yours. Hang in there! You are still young and have plenty of time!!!

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    1. No need to be sorry, that’s is not your fault and I know you didn’t mean anything bad with your question 🙂 it’s just I sometimes had impression people think we just keep delaying it for no particular reason but the reality is bit harsh. Too bad no trip for us any soon, but I’m on a sick leave due to muscle inflammation so keep your fingers crossed haha so mini Wong will have mini Chan to play with 🙂

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  13. Oh the lovely pressure from Chinese/ Asian families when it comes to children…
    I wonder now how much crap we heard until my wife got pregnant and even then some stupid stuff what is dangerous for the child and and and.

    I don’t really have any encouraging words to say except that good things need their time 😉

    We were pretty luck with Nathan. When we decided that we wanted a child my wife was pretty much pregnant a month later. However all her friends needed years for this or others failed entirely (but then due to much higher age and risks).

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      1. Haha I wish I wish 😀
        We actually try for our second baby even since I got healthier again but no luck…My wife even follow all kind of calendars and Chinese superstition by now!! ( she never cared about them before)

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  14. No advice to give at all…Just want to send you a big hug…
    I am facing the same situation too. I have married for 3 years already and still no good news… :’-(
    My husband and I are absolutely ready but still…. 😦
    We’ve tried the vitamins too but they are all vain…
    And yeah…I know that feel when you see someone accidentally got pregnant from one night stand..thats so unfair….

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  15. All the best from here as well! It’s perfectly normal, really. One of my colleagues told me last week that he and his wife are now expecting their second, but it took them 8 months before there was any success with the first one. That being said, I’d second the suggestion of keeping track of your temperature right when you wake up in the morning. If a whole year passes and you decide to get a medical check-up, the doctor might ask you to keep track and in that case you will already have a few months worth of data to show already. That would also show if you e.g. have a short luteal phase, which wouldn’t make it more difficult to get pregnant, but slightly more difficult to stay pregnant in the early stages unless taking a hormonal supplement.

    People seem to have an awful lot of opinions about other people’s lives in general. They will comment on anything and everything. Marrying early? you will probably realise later that you missed out on something in life. Now people are just “kind enough” to warn you in advance. Not married? something is probably wrong with you. Hmm… what could it be? let’s speculate very openly in front of 15 other people at a dinner party to come up with some helpful suggestions. Having a baby early? what about your career? No baby yet? WHY NO BABY??! you cannot win… so take it at your own pace 🙂 Big virtual hug!

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  16. Pressure and being constantly asked sucks. I’m sorry that this is causing you so much distress. I’m sure everything will be fine in the end! Hugs!

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  17. Lina, such a big thing to share with us, thank you for the trust and I hope you feel a bit better to let it all out. I can’t imagine how it feels like so I won’t, but just have to comment those baby making tips you got. My face would turn all red if I ever heard such exact tips from parents!

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    1. Hi Sara, it got bit easier since I got it off my chest 🙂 I told Sing I don’t want to hear any more of Momzilla’s messages – not because they make me frustrated but just like ‘eww your mom had sex and now she passes that to you eww’. the funny thing is I would rather expect those from Sing’s dad than her!

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  18. I remember how totally devastating it was to see ‘not pregnant’ on that stick, especially when your period is late and you really think you are pregnant. You feel your body is a failure. I am so sorry you have had to go through what you have in the past and that you’re trying hard and you haven’t gotten lucky yet. It’s not fair how easy it is for some people and how difficult it is for others. You are in my thoughts and I really hope you will get pregnant.

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  19. Getting pregnant is an issue that is very close to the heart. And it’s a very personal issue. I’m so sorry that other people, including your in-laws, haven’t kept their noses out of your business. That must make it hard on you.

    I’m no expert, but my daughter heard from her doctor that after going off the birth control pill, it would probably take her at least a year to get pregnant. He was wrong in her case, so who knows, maybe it will take a while.

    I wish you and Sing all the best.

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  20. I think I have been rather good, haven’t I? I don’t remember asking you about this at all, except for that “Iron-man Sing” picture on Facebook. (What would you have me do when you post that misleading photo? Guys don’t iron clothes under normal circumstances!)

    Jokes aside, just… ignore those probes and nasty comments. Especially Momzilla’s. The only persons that matter here are you and Sing and nobody else.

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    1. You were a good boy – everyone was, I had no intention to make anyone feel bad for asking this! Even my own family as it is very natural question to ask, especially when I openly said many times that I want kids.

      He had to! A very important customer was coming that time for audit and he made me upset about something really stupid and I told him he either goes like this or does it himself. After 1 shirt I had to take it over, he was terrible!

      Sing is actually having fun – let’s face it, he doesn’t have pressure, he’s doing his little i can hump anytime i want dance. And he will always say ‘let’s try making a baby now’ – biiiii*ch that’s not how it works.

      It’s just kinda sad that I can openly talk about my problems to you or to friends but in front of family we need to make up excuses why there’s still no good news 😦

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  21. It took my first husband and I over a year to get pregnant. Every month, I thought I was and then took a test that came out negative. Then I started taking hormones. Still nothing. It wasn’t until one doctor did a dye test to look at my uterus that we discovered the problem. My fallopian tube was twisted shut. The force of the dye burst it open, though we wouldn’t know that until later. But now I have two beautiful children and sympathize with anyone going through what you’re going through. I wish you good luck.

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  22. I know your pain. It was once a reality for me also. Cultural differences can hurt even when they aren’t meant to.
    My MIL got angry at me once because around the Yum Cha table her sister and friends were all talking about their grandchildren but we had not given her one yet so she felt “left out”. It hurt to my core because unbeknownst to her we had been trying for 3 years AND had just gone to see specialists… I stayed strong at the lunch but cried my eyes out for hours afterwards in the privacy of my own home. That event scarred me, made me feel like a failure and hurt so badly. The one thing we truly wanted at that time was a child too so her anger at me (not us) cut deep.
    Obviously now that is a distant (yet still painful) memory and I am blessed with 2 amazing children but I understand and know the pressures you feel on yourself and from family.
    The only problem is once you are pregnant the badgering, comments and complaining doesn’t stop… and then once you give birth you are hounded with yet more traditional foods and liquids that almost make you want to puke… and you are nagged about how to bring up your children correctly.
    I have one piece of advice which you are welcome to ignore but I wish to share from my experiences. Through all this regardless of what happens, do what your heart and mind feels is right – not what anyone else tells you. As awkward as it can be sometimes you have to stand up to the comments – nod and let the information filter away, politely say no or turn away for a while. You’ll sometimes make family angry when you do but if they are truly family they will get over it and eventually understand or tolerate that the decisions you and your husband make are your own…
    Be strong! You never know what is around the next corner in life. 🙂

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  23. I know this too. Me and my turkish husband want have baby so much. But at the beginning of this year we learned that I cant have a baby… Its because canser, which I had when I was a baby. Around us all of people start to be pregnant. We have cried long long time. We went to many doctors and always after visiting qe heard same, our hearts are broken. We have really wonderful support from my mom and my husband’s parents. My husband have never said its my fault, its just life, he still love me so much and doesnt want devorce (I have asked him thousends times). So we made big decision. We will try adoption of egg cells and do in vitro. We just pray everyday it will work. I accepted this that my body cant give to my wonderful husband a baby, its still pain but i dont try fight with that. In september we are going for first meeting in hospital. I hope that u and me in end of this year will see this two lines on pregnant test 🙂 i keep cross fingers for u

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