I try to stay optimistic, I try to smile even when it’s hard. I don’t like to greet people with a sad face. In real life and in my blogging/vlogging life I try to be happy and share my happiness with you (like in the newest-quite-old vlog from our recent trip which you can see by clicking here or below) because I feel guilty when I’m sad. But I have a really serious topic to discuss today. Not even discuss, more like share the very intimate part of our life – I honestly don’t know what to expect, maybe I hope it won’t be that painful if I don’t need to hide it anymore. I really don’t know.
And the topic is… having a baby.
- Don’t go on dates, boyfriend/girlfriend can wait, study hard and graduate
- Congrats, you graduated, now show me your fiance, we need to discuss marriage. What do you mean there’s no fiance? Then go find one!
- It’s your first day as husband and wife, so when are we going to be grandparents? Tick tack, clock is moving.
The baby should show up within a year from getting married. So far we passed the dating phase, we got married and since that time we are stuck. Nearly 4 years of marriage and no baby on the way.
With our upcoming wedding anniversary in July we keep more and more questions from people. I had hope that at least Sing’s family will be more occupied with Sing’s nearly 25 year old not married sister, but apparently my uterus is number 1 topic on family gatherings.
I try to smile and make it all as a joke, but as a matter of fact, I’m getting annoyed. Not annoyed at you or anyone asking that questions. To me that is pretty natural, not necessarily means that we should be asking people that sort of questions, but it’s not something that would make me mad or offended.
I’m more annoyed because I can’t have something that I really want.
For a long long time we were postponing the baby plans. Because we didn’t have a stable home in America, because we moved to Ireland, because there was a slight chance of going back for good to Hong Kong, because we didn’t have any specific plans… Then it hit us, that we both really want to have a baby. We decided to settle down in Ireland for now, get our own home and with our bid accepted we started trying.
Half a year into trying and again I’ve seen that ‘Not pregnant’ on the test. I just burst out in tears. You have no idea how much money I spent over last half a year for the pregnancy test, ovulation tests, vitamins that are suppose to help you get pregnant. Too many false alarm just shattered me. I did one literally yesterday with my period being very late – I was recently moody, I thought my body changed a bit, I thought finally that was it. And then I’ve seen same old shit ‘Not pregnant’.
Another friend of ours just had a baby, I couldn’t be more happy for him, but deep inside I was crying. Why everyone around seems to be having a baby recently – our friends, people I know from blogging community. I’m happy for all of you, but I wish it could be me too.
It is so frustrating when you watch shows like Maury and you see people saying ‘That was only one night stand but the baby is yours!’ and I’m here trying like a freaking rabbit to be pregnant. Why is it that when you are not really, it is so easy to get pregnant, but when you think you are mentally ready, financially prepared for it, it just doesn’t want to happen.
To make matters worst, it’s something we cannot tell our families. It’s not easy, but I can tell you about this. As for my parents, they would probably keep dragging us from one doctor to another (my mother loves doctors, even when you sneeze she will ask you to watch out because you may get asthma from that). As for Momzilla and Sing’s side of the family… well, they would blame me and that wouldn’t help at all.
It’s not that they would blame me because Sing is a little treasure and he’s perfect. They could blame me because I know they would be right. How am I supposed to know that? The answer is simple: I already was pregnant with Sing.
But I wasn’t able to keep it. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of 2012, my period was late and I did the test. Two lines. Pregnant. I wasn’t even 21, I wasn’t ready. Sing was already back in America and we were in long distance relationship. Not even married. I went to the doctor for an ultrasound to confirm the pregnant. It’s still with us. I was scared and confused, I felt alone, even thought Sing step up. But it didn’t last long – I don’t want to get into the details, as it is still painful. Our baby would be nearly 3.5 now. I always felt it was a boy.
Some of you will probably say ‘it’s not your fault’ or ‘maybe stop trying and let it happen naturally’ but either way didn’t work of us very well. It’s just something we have to face and go through.
It’s not really good for our relationship – I’m very tense and I get annoyed easily because of all the pressure. Measure this, check that, count if it’s the right day, sorry we won’t have sex today because it’s not the right time so keep your swimmers there ready for the big day. But deep inside I know it will turn out good for us. Not today or tomorrow, but eventually. I have a sweet man who stands by me for good and for bad…
So please everyone, don’t ask me about the baby anymore. It’s not that we don’t want it, maybe we just want it too much. But when the day comes, when I can share the news, I will let you know that Little Prince Born Under The Rainbow Junior Chan is coming.
Also, I wouldn’t be myself if I left you in a gloomy mood – here are some great advice sent by Momzilla through Line/WeChat. And yes, these are translated actual messages from her – creepy, eww and awkward at the same time, but it’s kinda hilarious how your own mother gives you advice in making babies. Glad my parents are normal.
- Do not drink cold water, uterus will reject the baby
- How come there was no accident? Even the best condoms break in few years!
- When are you going to have a baby? Na pregnant? I want to know first!
- Leave it inside for longer! Ask her not to shower!
- Put a pillow and keep the hips up! No spilling!
- Do it twice a day, in a month you will have a baby!
Thanks, Momzilla – I’m already pregnant just by reading your texts.
I hope you can understand me. Maybe some of you share the same problem. I don’t know, I don’t want to force you to talk about it if you don’t feel like, but I’m glad I could finally open up and take it off my chest. Wish us luck this month!