Sunday, 13th of March it will be over. My patience will be rewarded. Momzilla flies back to Hong Kong. I even marked it with a Gudetama-birthday sticker in my calendar because I will feel like born again. To be honest, she drained so much life out of me I thought I won’t post anything until she’s away, but hey! in the end she’s my biggest inspiration and for some reason you guys love to read about her. Laugh at my pain.
As for now, YOUR patience has been rewarded. With a new-old video from Macao Science Center (Momzilla-free content) and… Momzilla – survival guide from foreign daughter-in-law.
I get lots and lots of e-mails from my followers and random readers who found my blog by looking up the phrases like ‘my mother in law from hell’ or ‘that witch (sometimes ‘w’ and ‘b’ get really close on the keyboard) who gave birth to my husband’. A lot of those e-mails are ‘Thank you’ e-mails because when girls read about my Momzilla they start thinking their mothers in law are not that bad. Some of the girls are unlucky enough to have MILs who are probably some Momzilla’s far relatives because that kind of momzillness can be only passed through genes.
Don’t get me wrong, but I kinda consider myself an expert in surviving time with Momzilla. If that was a legitimate thing I would have PhD in it.
Every single time I see her she will stay with us (or we stay with her) for few-months-long period of time and I still haven’t done anything illegal to her. From the first time I met her up until now I made a huge progress in making the amount of complains smaller. Stop trying to make ‘No complaints’ happen, it’s not going to happen – unless you don’t get married in first place.
But let’s say the guy you love is really amazing, kind, handsome, smart or you just haven’t met her before the wedding and now it’s simply too late, you have a cat and all crap together and you have to put up with all the sh*t your MIL will going to bring up on you.
Here are my tips how to survive the time you spend with your Momzilla (please note these tips are not to make YOU happy, but trust me – as long as your MIL is happy and stops complaining… that’s the closest you can get to happiness while she’s with you):
- If you’re forced to spend time with your MIL, try to get FIL with her. I noticed the meaner mother in law is, the more polite and nice father in law is. Our Wah Wah is smart and he says ‘I have to work, cannot take that many days off’, but I know he just won’t come because he knows once Complain Machine starts working he won’t be able to go back to work, far away from complaints. But if your FIL’s time is more flexible it would be a great idea to have an ally.
- Don’t talk back. Trying to be rational will only make them louder and angrier. You can eventually nod your head pretending you agree or don’t react at all pretending you haven’t heard that, but avoid discussion at any cost.
- If you cleaned up, clean it up again. Especially if your MIL is Shanghainese or Taiwanese – once Taiwanese/Shanghainese ladies reach certain age they get ‘The Perm of Justice and Cleanness’, their hair curl in a characteristic way giving them +10 points into looking for dust. They will find dust and dirt even in operating theater and that only leads to more complains. It’s good to carry a small spirit level (that little tool) to see if your clothes are folded in the right way. To gain their appreciation you should reuse what you already have – I’ve seen girls cleaning their shoes with the socks they were wearing for the whole day since they will be washed anyway, but you save on paper towels.
- Don’t take her to any place where spending money is needed. Spending money is bad. Even if that 6 euro per person can provide that huge cliff which you could use for testing if The Perm of Justice an Cleanness can help them fly as well… But if you find a nice place that is free to enter, you will get some points in her eyes as ‘good money manager’.
- Throw away all the receipts and take away the price tags. Every new cloth you smuggle into your bedroom needs to go through quarantine at the bottom of your closet for around a month so you can tell her ‘New? I have it for months now!’. Out of sight, out of mind.
- Provide a baby. Not necessarily yours – just any baby she can take care of and leave you alone. It’s better if it’s your own, but BE AWARE: for your own sake the baby has to be born already, if you’re pregnant and you have to put up with all the Chinese pregnancy believes, that will be probably your last pregnancy (at least the last your MIL knows about).
Eventually you can use a cat, but she might want to diet your cat and you will see your cutie-jelly-bean so unhappy, meowing for more treats and hearing in return ‘Chobobola’. Biscuit cannot speak Shanghainese, Momzilla cannot speak Meownese so we have a communication issue right there.
- Accept the fact you will never eat ‘right’ amount of food. If you eat too little because you want to leave more for your husband – wrong, you don’t like her food. You eat too much to show your MIL how much you like her food – wrong, your husband and her precious son would be hungry. Same goes with the time you spent on your meal – you will either eat too far, like me, or too slow, like Sing. Just accept it and let it be.
- Listen with one ear and use the other ear to let all the complaints go away. As I said – there’s no way your Momzilla stops complaining, doesn’t matter how hard you try. That’s just their personality. The best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else is just pretend all the crap she said never happened.
- Divorce your husband. Just kidding, if I haven’t divorced Sing over his mother then there’s no need for you to do the same.
I know I complain about my Momzilla a lot, but there’s a lot to handle. I try to be the best daughter in law I can be, and if that’s not good enough then I cannot do anything more besides following the tips I provided you with. I won’t change, she won’t change, but at least we are able to cooperate for Sing’s sake. Some days will be fun and everyone will be laughing and the other time you will pray for time to pass faster. And if you lucky, you won’t have your own Momzilla – but these are just the legends about mythical COOL MIL that I’ve heard.
Do you have your own Momzilla? What are your tips to survive with her? Let us know, maybe we can all create a paperback version of ‘Momzilla – the survival guide’! 🙂