母親大人瘦身大法 – Momzilla’s weight loss tips

Or a guide how to make sure your daughter-in-law won’t be star of ‘Skinny Brides to Fat Wives‘. image (10)

As you may, or may not, know – Momzilla is coming. To make matters worse, she arrives tomorrow and not
on Wednesday, like we thought. Not that I would mind leaving her alone at the Shannon Airport for one day, but she’s like flu – always comes back. My co-worker called her a boomerang but I told him ‘Flu is more annoying’.

I know half of my bad feelings come from the attitude I have towards her, but I just know what will happen.
3 MONTHS OF FOODIE-TORTURES.

I kinda understand that she does that not only for Sing to ‘have a nice looking wife’, but also for me, but I don’t like to be limited when it goes to food.
All the people in Momzilla’s family are skinny (besides The Big Cousin, who is not only the oldest but he could fit The Middle Cousin, Sing and Sing’s sister inside his belly) and they live usually over 90 years (Yay me, that’s only 30-something years with Momzilla). So to her, whatever she eats or does, helps to achieve the perfect look and good health.

However, her methods to achieve it are kinda… You just wouldn’t follower her fit-account on Instagram. Here’s why:

  • Tell your daughter-in-law honestly that you think she’s fat. She will surely appreciate your honestly and feel motivated.
  • Tell your daughter-in-law that if she gets fat she dies and her Little Prince will be unhappy. No one can argue with ‘Little Prince Argument’.
  • If your rebellious daughter-in-law continue eating make a little voo-doo doll and poke her wisdom tooth until she quits.  (I have my second wisdom tooth coming out in the past 30 days… Coincidence? I THINK NOT!)
  • Tell Little Prince to have intercourse with his wife more often (Yes, that actually REALLY did happen) – helps to lose calories and makes chances of grandchild higher. Double win.image (9)
  • Buy your daughter-in-law clothes as gifts. Make sure they are way too small or way too big.

Of course I’m joking, those aren’t her tips but the situations happened. I don’t really know if she did it on purpose or not, but as much as I know her today, even if she did – she did it for my own good.

Let’s face it: she’s more than twice older than me, gave a birth to two kids and I had to buy her pajamas in child’s section. When I’m almost 60 I want to look half as good as her now.

Sing is almost my height and he’s quite skinny. Even after he ‘gained weight’ – words of his father, Wah Wah. And white people are usually also ‘bigger’. Whenever we visit the family or travel to Asia I know I will be judge by how much I weight so I try my best to keep my weight. It doesn’t matter that I think we shouldn’t be judge by that, IMG_0748but I just know I will be.

And actually this time I’m happy (and unhappy at the same time) that she will come – I know I won’t like it, but I know her complaints will help me to lose what I gained while living in America. I don’t know how, but in two years I gained almost 15kg. I lost half of that since we moved back to Europe, but I still struggle with what’s left. I really hope Momzilla will be helpful while being annoying at the same time. Oh God, I can feel the taste of gingerbread right now. 

So now, here are the tips I gathered while observing Momzilla in her natural habitat:

  • First thing in the morning – drink water. Of course warm water. It will keep you hydrated and will slow down the feeling of hunger.
  • Do simple exercises in the morning. It can be fast swiping the floor from all the Biscuit’s hair or stretching, squats.
  • Don’t sit when you watch TV. You can slowly run in one spot, move your muscles a bit.
  • Steam instead of fry. Fried food is tasty, but higher in fat and calories. And I have to say, I recently fell in love with steamed salmon!
  • Walk instead of taking a bus. But of course in a rational way, Momzilla once wanted to walk from Hayward to Fremont which is like 30 km. Hell no. On the other hand, if the weather is not bad, try to get out of the bus or subway stop or two earlier and just walk that distance.
  • Grab a fruit instead of a cookie. Unless you’re Little Prince. Little Prince is allowed to eat anything. I think that’s the hardest thing for me – I think all of my teeth are sweet teeth ;-). Momzilla always IMG_0746encourages us to eat oranges. Everyone from her family always ask us to eat oranges. I don’t know why, but I guess that’s a good choice.
  • Find a partner to exercise. I’m like Gudetama – extremely unmotivated, unless I have a partner in crime. You might not know about it, but I did some YouTube yoga last year. It was pretty nice she tried to encourage me.
  • Have a regular time to eat. Momzilla always eats around 7AM-8AM, 12:00 PM and then 6:00 PM. She might eat an orange in meantime but her main meals are pretty much at that time. It is said it takes 2 weeks to make something a habit and this way you won’t feel hungry between the meals. Sadly, it won’t suit everyone’s lifestyle.

It won’t work for everyone, but it definitely helped me. I think if I had more motivation I would have already lost everything I gained, but hey! No one’s perfect (OK, Little Prince is). I have few more months to get my ‘beach body’ back and I have to thank the Irish weather for sucking, because I could chose the outfits that would hide my muffin top.

Do you have a ‘motivator’ like that in your family? Share your funny (or not!) stories and experience! Good laugh helps you to lose weight as well!  

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34 thoughts on “母親大人瘦身大法 – Momzilla’s weight loss tips

  1. Omg! this is tough regime of diet to keep fit. I am fat but to go to this extreme it will be hard for me, as I won’t be able to do it.
    Cool!! that you are able to keep it up with your in law.

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  2. Oof, I thought my mother-in-law was difficult. At least she’s only passive-aggressive to me, though if she gives me cow-themed presents for Christmas again this year, I might just have to start giving her whale-themed ones back…

    No, there are no motivators in my family, thank goodness, unless you count aunts wanting grand-nieces and nephews. I was out of the country for my brother’s wedding, unable to attend, but apparently my aunts cornered my sister during the reception saying, “You’re twenty-five, why aren’t you married yet? Hurry up and find a man! Don’t you want kids?”

    My sister replied, “Your mom had my mom when she was forty-five.”

    To which both aunts raised their eyebrows and went, “Mm-hmm, wanna do that? Our point exactly.”

    My aunt claims not to remember this, but I don’t doubt it happened. So far I’ve avoided being targeted, but I don’t doubt it’ll happen soon, especially now that my brother-in-law’s wife is pregnant. Bring on the Christmas questions!

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  3. I can’t take all the comments from my in-laws about being fat personally, because they harass their own son just as much. Until it’s time to eat, that is. Around the dim sum table, it’s completely different. They pile food on our plates, and when I protest and tell them that they were just saying how fat we were, my MIL laughs and says, “You still fat. but eat now and go on diet when you get home.”

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  4. this is so hilarious and helpful at the same time! now i’m thinking twice if i should profess my crush to my version of “the little prince”! i might get a momzilla in the future hahaha

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  5. Momzilla is soooo different from my MIL! My MIL only thinks about food and appearently I should be like 100kg to be considered normal 😮
    The only thing she has in common is the glass of warm water in the morning…then the food mayhem starts. Around 8am breakfast, 10am second breakfast, 1pm lunch, 2pm second lunch, 5pm pre lunch, 7pm lunch, 10pm “evening snack”, 1-2am good night snack….
    HOWEVER she tells my wife always that she is too fat (pangpang) but when my wife tells her that I said its true (yes I am that evil) she will tell her daughter that her weight is absolutely normal :p
    I remember when I got back to normal weight last year with around 72kg she and all her friends were worried that I look so sick Oo

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      1. I somehow managed with my annoyance that my wife even wants to go to gym with me 😮 I am really really shocked that “walking to the kitchen is workout princess” wants to join me, there must be something wrong ! Or perhaps she doesnt want to hear her mom telling her that she is too fat :p

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  6. I’ve been chubby before, and was mobbed because of it in middle school really bad by the skinny bitches in my class. I felt so bad I started to lose weight. I am underweight since more than 10 years now but still feel fat. I eat only healthy stuff and work out 3-5 times a week for about 1 1/2 hours. Thank you you dumb good for nothings -.-
    Once my Chinese mom told Mr.Panda was too thin, and when I asked her what she thought about me, she told me I am OK, not worth to mention. Uhm..
    Thank you? I think that was somewhat of a compliment?

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        1. I totally understand you, I was chubby until I was like 16-17 and some people were really, really mean. To make matters worse, I got my nose broken in kindergarten and I was born with prominent ears – until late high school I had to go through sh.. because of those. I don’t understand why people can be so cruel.

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  7. Momzilla’s advice seems pretty reasonable 🙂 I wouldn’t mind having someone nagging me to do some exercise!
    I don’t think I’m fat but in China I am pretty big. But the problem is in their standards, not in me! The Xiaomi scale and body fat measurer says I am close to perfect! (it gave me 96 out of 100!). However I know I should exercise more, not to lose weight (I wouldn’t mind a flat belly though) but to be healthier. Age doesn’t forgive and I am already 31! 😉

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  8. I think what mattered most is health not one’s weight or dress size. However, I do think that women look more attractive with well toned and sculpted arms, abs, butt and legs. I dislike flat chested, stick thin women without shape. I stay in shape by eating grill meat, lots of salad and fruits. I avoided carbohydrate but I do let myself indulge in treats like dark chocolate, ice-cream and cheese occasionally. I did Taekwondo since I was 13 because there were many bullies in school and got my black belt at age 16. Good motivation! 😉 I kind of stayed the same for a long time. Recently, I’m into lighter exercises like yoga, elliptical cycler while watching movie, leisure cycling and hiking. Hiking is a good way to bond with your family members. Bring Momzilla for hiking to check out her level of stamina. No point staying thin without stamina 😉

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  9. When Derek and I just began dating, his mother blatantly said I am fat (at least compared to your usual Asian girl). Obviously this got me pretty down and I still get a little agitated with that thought. lol. However, now she tells me I eat too little… :p

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      1. They’re too funny! 😛 Nothing beats my ex’s mother… she adored me and always would say “Being vegetarian, you must take your omega oils so you have strong baby…” And she would always dish up my plate to the point where I felt like I was in a typical Mediterranean dinner! 😛 Funny how different people are!

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  10. Well, may you get more tips from Momzilla on food dishes, etc.
    Meanwhile I’ve been a piece of christstollen nearly daily this wk. My partner who is German background, buys 1 every Christmas…

    I wrote of my upbringing in Canada ..with the heavy influence of my mother’s Chinese cooking. https://cyclewriteblog.wordpress.com/2015/11/22/judge-not-the-poor-eating-healthy/

    Most of my friends of Asian descent here in Canada, must exercise to control their weight. Just healthy eating doesn’t solve problems because we have more access to all those different European cuisines.

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