Or a guide how to make sure your daughter-in-law won’t be star of ‘Skinny Brides to Fat Wives‘.
As you may, or may not, know – Momzilla is coming. To make matters worse, she arrives tomorrow and not
on Wednesday, like we thought. Not that I would mind leaving her alone at the Shannon Airport for one day, but she’s like flu – always comes back. My co-worker called her a boomerang but I told him ‘Flu is more annoying’.
I know half of my bad feelings come from the attitude I have towards her, but I just know what will happen.
3 MONTHS OF FOODIE-TORTURES.
I kinda understand that she does that not only for Sing to ‘have a nice looking wife’, but also for me, but I don’t like to be limited when it goes to food.
All the people in Momzilla’s family are skinny (besides The Big Cousin, who is not only the oldest but he could fit The Middle Cousin, Sing and Sing’s sister inside his belly) and they live usually over 90 years (Yay me, that’s only 30-something years with Momzilla). So to her, whatever she eats or does, helps to achieve the perfect look and good health.
However, her methods to achieve it are kinda… You just wouldn’t follower her fit-account on Instagram. Here’s why:
- Tell your daughter-in-law honestly that you think she’s fat. She will surely appreciate your honestly and feel motivated.
- Tell your daughter-in-law that if she gets fat she dies and her Little Prince will be unhappy. No one can argue with ‘Little Prince Argument’.
- If your rebellious daughter-in-law continue eating make a little voo-doo doll and poke her wisdom tooth until she quits. (I have my second wisdom tooth coming out in the past 30 days… Coincidence? I THINK NOT!)
- Tell Little Prince to have intercourse with his wife more often (Yes, that actually REALLY did happen) – helps to lose calories and makes chances of grandchild higher. Double win.
- Buy your daughter-in-law clothes as gifts. Make sure they are way too small or way too big.
Of course I’m joking, those aren’t her tips but the situations happened. I don’t really know if she did it on purpose or not, but as much as I know her today, even if she did – she did it for my own good.
Let’s face it: she’s more than twice older than me, gave a birth to two kids and I had to buy her pajamas in child’s section. When I’m almost 60 I want to look half as good as her now.
Sing is almost my height and he’s quite skinny. Even after he ‘gained weight’ – words of his father, Wah Wah. And white people are usually also ‘bigger’. Whenever we visit the family or travel to Asia I know I will be judge by how much I weight so I try my best to keep my weight. It doesn’t matter that I think we shouldn’t be judge by that, but I just know I will be.
And actually this time I’m happy (and unhappy at the same time) that she will come – I know I won’t like it, but I know her complaints will help me to lose what I gained while living in America. I don’t know how, but in two years I gained almost 15kg. I lost half of that since we moved back to Europe, but I still struggle with what’s left. I really hope Momzilla will be helpful while being annoying at the same time. Oh God, I can feel the taste of gingerbread right now.
So now, here are the tips I gathered while observing Momzilla in her natural habitat:
- First thing in the morning – drink water. Of course warm water. It will keep you hydrated and will slow down the feeling of hunger.
- Do simple exercises in the morning. It can be fast swiping the floor from all the Biscuit’s hair or stretching, squats.
- Don’t sit when you watch TV. You can slowly run in one spot, move your muscles a bit.
- Steam instead of fry. Fried food is tasty, but higher in fat and calories. And I have to say, I recently fell in love with steamed salmon!
- Walk instead of taking a bus. But of course in a rational way, Momzilla once wanted to walk from Hayward to Fremont which is like 30 km. Hell no. On the other hand, if the weather is not bad, try to get out of the bus or subway stop or two earlier and just walk that distance.
- Grab a fruit instead of a cookie. Unless you’re Little Prince. Little Prince is allowed to eat anything. I think that’s the hardest thing for me – I think all of my teeth are sweet teeth ;-). Momzilla always encourages us to eat oranges. Everyone from her family always ask us to eat oranges. I don’t know why, but I guess that’s a good choice.
- Find a partner to exercise. I’m like Gudetama – extremely unmotivated, unless I have a partner in crime. You might not know about it, but I did some YouTube yoga last year. It was pretty nice she tried to encourage me.
- Have a regular time to eat. Momzilla always eats around 7AM-8AM, 12:00 PM and then 6:00 PM. She might eat an orange in meantime but her main meals are pretty much at that time. It is said it takes 2 weeks to make something a habit and this way you won’t feel hungry between the meals. Sadly, it won’t suit everyone’s lifestyle.
It won’t work for everyone, but it definitely helped me. I think if I had more motivation I would have already lost everything I gained, but hey! No one’s perfect (OK, Little Prince is). I have few more months to get my ‘beach body’ back and I have to thank the Irish weather for sucking, because I could chose the outfits that would hide my muffin top.
Do you have a ‘motivator’ like that in your family? Share your funny (or not!) stories and experience! Good laugh helps you to lose weight as well!