I really don’t want to be one of those people on the Internet who just complain to get some words of sympathy, but I just have to tell my feelings to someone. Anyone, really.
I haven’t even said anything yet, but I already feel bad about this post. I mean, I have more than most of the people I know. I have a husband that loves me the most in the world, we both have a job that gives us a very decent lifestyle, I’m healthy, my family is more or less healthy. I have a roof above my head (with a wonderful view of Shannon river), I have food in my fridge (scale doesn’t lie, I’m definitely not starving). Why do I even complain?
I feel bad about not being able to fulfill one of my dreams and the good life I’m having now makes me feel even worse about it. Some people get terminally ill, some others have to struggle every day how to feed their families and I’m here, bitching about not being able to move to Hong Kong.
How silly is that? Very. But it eats me from the inside, because I don’t like to quit. When things are bad I just try to fix them and move on. Almost everyday I think – Why not? I don’t have the problem of legal status, as wife of a Hongkonger I can work. We have a place to stay for free if needed for and Momzilla might be buying another flat in near future. Sing’s promotion to a manager’s position is approaching. It’s like all the signs were saying ‘Pack Biscuit and move there. You even have UK plugs in all your current appliances’.
Now here’s the part where reality strikes every few weeks. The deal between us was if I land a job offer in Hong Kong, we will move. Momzilla, as generous she can be in rent-free stay, wouldn’t understand me not working. I cannot imagine the three of us having English-Cantonese-Shanghainese fights every nights over the fact that even if I bring money home, it’s not a regular income and, fairly said, not a big one either. Unless I take fast course of ‘Investment and stock exchange for Dummies’ and get a 6th sense providing big money.
But I see where she’s coming from. She gives us a place to live, of course she won’t want her precious little Prince to be the only rice-winner in the house. All the work pressure (which is huge in Hong Kong) would probably be only on him. Not to mention, babies cost. A lot.
If you’re still reading my whining, here’s why I feel torn apart.
Every weekend I look through job offers in Hong Kong – I send my e-mails in both English and Cantonese. I apply for freelance writing, content writing positions, English teaching, internships. Whatever, just let me get some experience.
EVERY SINGLE WEEK I am ignored or treated as a second category person. I mean, I can understand why parents would prefer a native English speaker rather than a person who uses it as a second language, but why say it straight forward? Why don’t you even give me a chance to prove myself?
When I talk to my Irish/British co-workers they say they couldn’t tell I’m not using English as my primary language.
I know that my grammar might sometimes be off or the choice of the vocabulary might not be the same as it would be in case of native speakers, but at least give me that chance. Please. Or write that position is taken, it would be less depressing that no respond or ‘Sorry, we look for native speakers only’.
It makes me doubt myself as a writer and as a person. Am I not worth the answer? Am I really that bad in what I’m doing?
I’m not beautiful to be a model, smart to land a great job bringing thousands or born with a ‘right passport’ (I hope you don’t get it the wrong way, but at least in Hong Kong some employers still judge the foreign workers by their nationalities).
So is there no place for me in Hong Kong? Even though I love it so much?
Well, sometimes love is not enough. Just like with relationship, you might love someone from the bottom of your heart, but it doesn’t mean you are meant to be together.
I guess that’s what happens to me and Hong Kong.
It makes me hate those ‘Inspirational quotes’ like ‘Fulfill your dreams’, ‘Don’t give up’, ‘Risk and don’t regret’ – I know I could force Sing to go back, but I also know that under current circumstances it would be a family disaster. Which also makes me a bit of a hypocrite because I would tell you to follow your heart, but I wouldn’t do it myself.
At this point, I nearly gave up. I still send the resume and pieces of my writing, but I don’t hope for a respond anymore. I slowly started to look for a flat to buy in Ireland and how to settle here. I need stability in my life again. Ireland is not bad for me, as I said – we have a decent life here. It’s just not a place that makes me happy.
Of course I won’t stop learning Cantonese, I won’t stop writing this blog because I could meet amazing people like you, but I realized the fact that not every dream can come true. It doesn’t matter how hard you try – look at Sing and chocolate. Won’t happen.
Huh, I think I let it all out. I might regret that post few minutes after publishing, but I just had to say it out loud.
Please, don’t think of me as a person with a negative attitude. Most of the time I will try to make your day happier, but even I can’t be happy all the time.
Do you have any word of advise? Have you felt in a similar way? I know I’m not the only one and my problem might not seem as a problem to you (honestly, I shouldn’t see it as a problem either), but I don’t want to be disappointed with myself anymore.