收入與異國戀的關係 – earnings and interracial relationship stereotypes

Somehow I still manage to write a blog post, make a crappy video with Biscuit high on catnip (click here to see it), do image (4)my duties as a housewife and keep on with new Dragon Ball Super. But I can’t complain on having a paid-job.

And in this world, like it or not, money matter. I learnt it the hard way when my dad had a heart attack and since that time his medication cost our family quite a lot of money. Sadly, in a pharmacy or anywhere else you cannot pay with a smile and good word.

I mean, I really enjoy blogging, and if possible I wish to continue writing as long as I can come up with more or less interesting topic, but as much as I like it, it’s just a hobby. Hobby started as a time killer in the US where I couldn’t work due to my visa type. Not even a freelancing was allowed. For two straight years I kept on being a house-wife and a wanna-be-blogger while Sing was the only bread winner. Or in our case it was more of a rice-winner. As of now, we have around 15kg of dry rice at home and half a bread.

That put me into really uncomfortable position. I wasn’t a burden to my parents anymore, my parents could focus on my dad’s treatment, but then I felt like being a burden to my husband. Sing never said anything like ‘You cannot spend money on this or that’ or ‘Return it, I work hard and you spend money on something useless’. That’s not him. To be honest, he felt quite happy to be someone that supports family and he was proud he can make it on it’s own. image (1)
But I felt miserable.

I know as marriage it’s OUR money, especially since we haven’t signed a prenup, but I felt bad buying something that was not necessary to survive or needed. Can you imagine how shitty I felt when I used the money Sing earned to buy him a wedding anniversary gift or a birthday cake? I masked it with a smile, but inside I felt like someone useless. Even thought I knew I was forbidden by the law to earn unless I get a working visa.

On the top of that there is another thing that bothered me during the time I didn’t earn and that is the topic I wanted to talk about. Earnings and interracial relationship stereotypes. 

I know guys go through a lot, but I think we could agree in most of the cases of interracial relationships it is the girl who has it more tough. Of course there are exceptions and guys get abused too, but it’s much easier to target a woman. Especially when you mix it with finance.

I read a lot of forums and lots of opinions about interracial and intercultural couples and I had few conclusions. One of them was the fact that a girl who is in that kind of relationship is either after better sex (or let’s put it this way… ‘bigger penis’ – when she’s dating a Black guy/Middle East) or after money (if she’s dating an Asian). Add a home country that is not an economical power and you have a perfect image of a gold digger in some people’s mind.
DSC00092Not-Really-A-Fun-Fact : if you ‘go after penis’ usually comes along with ‘He’s with you for a green card’, ‘Wait until he starts to beat you’ or ‘He’s for your social security money’.
That’s the stereotype. Apparently, you cannot love someone for who they are. It’s either genitals or wallet.

I know I shouldn’t be bothered by what others say or think, and most of the time I just try to ignore my own thoughts and ‘Oh my, what are they thinking?’, but it really hurts. At the top of feeling pretty much useless, I know there will be someone judging me as a gold digger. To make it funnier our fortune consisted of a health-related debt and personal belongings that have only sentimental value. Sing’s family might have money and is willing to help up, but we try to make our own future with our own hands.

I married Sing when he was still a student, we had nothing to start our life besides love and a small money fund from the family. Yet, I still read few times ‘You don’t work? Nice life, living off your husband. Asian guys have small penises but big wallets‘. But I have to give it two thumbs up to Sing who is totally cocky about any comment like this – he will say ‘Well, at least in their eyes I have money, right?‘. I sometimes don’t know if he’s insane, too self confident or just try to be tough for both of us.
Even now when I started to work I sometimes wonder if and how many of my co-workers thought of me that way. I hope none, because I get along really well with my team.

Sadly, I don’t know how long it will take to make stereotypes disappear, but as for now I finally feel satisfied. No one will tell me I live off Sing’s money, and whatever they think – I have my pay slip to prove them wrong (in my mind, I’m not gonna send anyone my payslip to prove anything). image (3)And finally, for the first time in two years, I will be able to give Sing a birthday gift that I earned for. I can spoil him with little delights and feel that I’m giving back him what he put in this relationship while working in America.
He recently complained a chicken wrap in McDonald’s doesn’t come with fries so I told him ‘Buy yourself one extra, my treat’. Like a mini-boss.

Have you ever been in similar situation? Have you felt like I did? I know it’s quite intimate topic, but your experience or your opinion on earnings and interracial relationship stereotypes can help others who might struggle with the same thing 🙂

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75 thoughts on “收入與異國戀的關係 – earnings and interracial relationship stereotypes

  1. That’s an interesting post… While reading I started to think about my case, and at first I was like “oh, I don’t have this problem” but then another stereotypes came up.. :/
    I live in a country which is starting to develop, pay rates here are very low, my boyfriend is an architect, and he’s quite good at it, but his salary is very low (around $300, exact amount as our flat’s rent). Some things here are just not fair, and I oftne wonder how vietnamese people afford to buy a flat TV or a new motorbike.. @@
    Anyway, my salary is much (MUCH!) higher, as I’m a “white face teacher”, so I’m definitely not digging the money of my love. People around us sometimes ask questions like “how much is you salary?” and we never answer, but probably most of them knows that I make more.
    And at this point I would say that I don’t have the problem you have.. but.. There were some other not really nice things that people used to say or think: “He’s only with you because he wants to go to Poland”
    This is the most crazy thing that you could imagine, but still, hundrets of vietnamese people try to go to Poland, every single day~! Once, I even heard one guy telling me that my boyfriend doesn’t love me, he is not an architecture student and he’s lying to me about he’s identity, only because he wants to go to Poland and work in vietnamese fast food XDDDD Seriously, that was the best story ever 😀
    Vietnamese people tend to ask me if we’re going back to Poland after the wedding, cause they think that Vietnam is so poor, that Poland must be a land flowing with honey and milk :)))) well, maybe for some people, but not for us.
    Anyway, congratulations on your first payslip, enjoy and buy yourself something totally unnecessary to ease your mind :DDD

    Liked by 1 person

    1. oh wow! that’s a really low salary! have you really thought about moving to Poland? he could have much better future there! I mean, I know it’s not as exciting and if you love one place you don’t want to give up, but 300?! that’s… wow!

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      1. we’re not thinking about going to Poland cause he doesn’t speak Polish and English, so he’s only option is working in Wolka Kosowska or washing dishes in vietnamese bar :/ Besides, he’s got low salary now, but he graduated like a 1,5 year ago, so still needs to “learn” how to work 😛 He have a plan to open his own architecture company in the future and it’s possible as I’m earning more money and we can save ( I hope eventually we will save, cause right now we spent all money for the wedding stuff hahaha)

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  2. Thanks for posting this! I know exactly how you feel…since that is currently my life. I am in the same position as a blogging housewife, and I hate the fact that I’m not currently earning money. Half of me tries to talk sense into the other half of me by reminding myself that I’m only in this position because I’ve sacrificed my career for a year and moved across the globe to learn his family’s language… for him, so I guess the least he could do is financially support me through the process! But it still sucks. =( I’m looking forward to financial independence at some point in the near future.

    I’ve never had any comments really about our relationship because its interracial though – other than the occasional “oh that’s awesome!” from someone else in an AMWF relationship. I don’t know whether we’re just extraordinarily lucky, or New York and Hong Kong are just extremely tolerant of AMWF pairings?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. it’s much easier to say mean things online so you can guess where was it said, haha 😉 your hubby makes a great job and so do you by taking care of him and learning his language 🙂 being a housewife is also a job, just without paycheck 🙂

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      1. Haha, yes you are so right, the internet can be a beautiful and terrible place! You may have to put up with people saying ugly things online, but I for one am glad the internet has introduced me to a whole community of people just like myself…because there aren’t many of me directly in my vicinity in the real world.

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  3. Yes! It’s like people need to rationalize an interracial relationship in some way. I’ve never experienced the gold-digger stereotype, but I have been accused of having a fetish, in spite of the fact that my husband is the first and only non-white guy I’ve been with. It annoys me that just being in an interracial relationship makes people assume that I’m some kind of sexual deviant…

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  4. What an interesting reflection! I’ve never ever thought someone could think I am in a cross-cultural relationship for financial gain.. and yet now that I think about it my bf’s family is better off than mine (while my family is quite well off, his is straight up rich). So i guess someone could think I am after money after all!

    Well, we both work full time (or we are job hunting at the moment) so we both contribute to our “household” proportionally to our salaries. I think that is a fair arrangement for both mono-cultural and cross-cultural couples.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. as for me since Sing’s family is wealthier I suggested a prenup but it was momzilla who rejected it! but someone can say ‘oh, you’re after money!’ – hopefully the fact your bf’s family has money will never ever affect you in a negative way 🙂

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  5. My situation was a bit similar. For several years my wife was the only one earning money for us while both of us still studied. I earn ZERO and she worked already a full time job while finishing her studies.
    Sure I got myself some work later on but still she basicaly supported us in the beginning. These days we work together in our own little business 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. your wife is a great example to all those stupid ‘Asian girl marries a white guy for money’ thing then haha 🙂 we will set her up as an example to all the stupid comments! you’re lucky! 🙂 and since now you can work together that’s even better 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

              1. Let’s see how it will work out. We should have been in xi’an actually already since last night but now we are still in Germany…tomorrow next try for our flight. I guess I have some story to tell about this worst holiday experience!

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  6. You will live up to your own standards, regardless others’ gossip. I am an Asian and married with an American. I heard the similar comments on my interracial marriage as you did on yours. So what, the comments are worthless as long as you are happily married.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. My husband already forgot his origin, his family has been living in U.S for many generations. My parents have always put others’ thoughts at first and completely ignored our feelings. But I have learned to go opposite way, and I am satisfied with what I have gained so far.

        Liked by 1 person

  7. The fact that you even think like this shows how remarkably lucky Sing is. Not many women are so considerate – even as wives – to think they are leeching off their husband. You are so thoughtful!

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Well, maybe not exactly the situation, but my parents paid my first two years when I attended university. They paid my rent and even gave me some pocket money. I worked when I was on break, but it was not enough. I was always feeling frustrated every time I bought something unnecessary like clothing, or books which weren’t necessary for my classes. And I felt so bad I didn’t travel anywhere that time. And I also felt bad when I bought them presents for their birthdays or Christmas.
    Only later I started a proper part time job and I could finally get them something with my own money. It finally satisfied me to some extend.
    I quit my part time job last May, and am living from scholarship now, it is bearly enough so I can pay half of the rent and for my living expenses. Sometimes Mr.Panda gives me ‘pocket money’ so I can go to the hairdresser every three months or that I can buy me new shoes or clothes if I need them. Oh and my parents give me money so I can visit them once a month (Thank you mom and dad again! :D).
    But well… it is frustrating again… Only a few more months, after my scholarship runs out, I am allowed to get a job again. It was a tough desicion whether to go on with my old job or quit it for a year :/
    Currently I sugarcoat my dependency as I try to convince myself that I make up for the extra pocket money with cleaning and cooking. ._.
    But still no good…

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  9. I hate feeling like a leech, but yeah, someone in the family is always going to earn more. I wish it were me. But it’s not.

    However, no one has ever said that ridiculous quote about penises and wallets! At least not in my hearing. (Which shows that they have a good sense of self-preservation.) Seriously, woman, what kind of assholes have you been hanging out with?

    I’m happy that you have the satisfaction of earning money again, though. That is very cool.

    Now you just need to toss a hundred euros at Sing and say, “Hey, doll, buy yourself something nice with that.”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. luckily it wasn’t ever said to me, I just read it few times on one forum I was writing – I try to have nice genuine people around me haha 🙂
      I already told Sing to get himself some fries, my treat haha but I play to buy him a new phone soon 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

    2. And what if he earns much and well-hung? What are we then accused of? Does it also count if you come from a wealthier country but you yourself are not? There are too many questions left unanswered… ._.

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      1. I think some people can always find something to complain about and try to make others feel bad. Luckily no ‘citizenship’ card can be played on us since I won’t have HK passport and Sing won’t speak Polish sooo… 😉

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  10. I really enjoyed this post!! I feel like I can relate to you even though I’m not in your situation. Personally, I think it’s nice that Sing doesn’t pressure you to work and you have the choice to do whatever you want. At the same time, it’s good that you want to work and that you’re able to contribute as well!

    I do agree with the prenup idea, but some people might think there’s a lack of trust if the husband/wife wants one. However, for your case, you have the best intentions in mind.

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  11. I’m not in this position but I really loved this post. It’s funny, why can’t people just see the two of you as a couple in love, as simple as that 😀 No need to feel guilty because it’s their problem. But the part about burdening your parents, I understand. As someone who has struggled to find work for a looong time, finally over the last two years I have money coming into my bank for a while and can finally be independent and feel productive 😀

    Love the way you write. Wish I can write as humorous as you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m glad now you don’t have to struggle with this problem! In parents situation, even thought I felt guilty, I keep thinking about my mom’s words ‘it’s parents who should support kids, not the other way’. but now I try to repay them, although I probably never will be able to 😀
      aww you’re a great writer! really!

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      1. “it’s parents who should support kids” That is such an Asian comment. When kids grow up, Asian parents more often than not even want to help kids buy a house…at least that is the case with many Chinese friends that I have.

        These days, I just try to stay out of my parents way as much as possible to “repay” them. That is, not being annoying to them 😀

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        1. How is it “such an asian comment” when white parents (and no doubt other races) have the same mentality? Sorry, this is just self stereotyping your own race. More important is to ask why so many asians stereotype their own race.

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  12. I actually earn much more than my husband(got a raise recently-yayy!) so his family and friends are really impressed by that, so are mine, I am so glad I’ve never heard anyone say anything nasty about our relationship as I’m quite sensitive and those type of comments can get to you, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself otherwise. My husband’s family is quite wealthy whereas mine is average, steering towards poor due to monthly medication costs so I’m certain some rude and ignorant people could think that I was with him for the money or to expect him/his family to be helping my family but fortunately no one has been that nasty in my face. At the moment, we are both satisfied with our lives/salaries and that’s the main thing,right?

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  13. As international couples, I guess there will be time you haveto rely on your partner because of reasons such as visa or language barrier. In my experience, I haven’t came across on comments thatyou said. But i guess when people are at the safety of the internet, they tend to troll…

    Liked by 1 person

  14. During our first year together I was in a similar situation, not earning really and struggling to pay my last semester of undergrad. Now that I have work and a scholarship for my master’s I feel so much better. I’m not putting my husband through such a stress anymore as we both have earnings now. And even though in marriage everything is ours, but I think it’s good to have your own money too.

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  15. What an interesting discussion! What strikes me about your post is how much you love your husband, wanting to buy him a gift. It’s really nice.

    I understand wanting to earn your share of the household money. It is important, it really makes us feel better. It’s a funny thing, but I totally get it.

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  16. Interesting topic. We are not married yet and I have my own money as I work, but he earns much more than me and he bought an apartment and I live there for free… However when I was living in an apartment paid by my previous company, he also lived there for free for 2 years, so I guess we are even! xD

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  17. I can totally understand you, when I married my Asian boyfriend and moved from Poland to Hamburg where he was working, I wasn’t able to find a job for over a year….Then I worked in a restaurant for some time but had to give it up because of health issues (standing for 8 hours without a break wasn’t for me, apparently, but at least I improved my German)….I have an MA degree from a good uni and some experience, but my major is totally useless in Germany, especially as my German isn’t 100% perfect (I can communicate with people without any big problems and run errands on my own, but it’s still not good enough to be a secretary or an assistant in a German company). If I was an engineer, an IT specialist or a nurse I would probably get more job offers than I could handle (lol) but with the type of education I have (linguistics) I can only find manual, low paid jobs.
    My husband was understanding and never complained about me being unemployed but I was so sick of the situation that I went for some time to Spain to work as a teacher and we were a LDR once again, but you know, it won’t work in the long run, so I came back to him and now I’m going to to have to go through this hopeless job hunting process all over again. I might end up being a housewife for the rest of my life cause there doesn’t seem to be much I can do, unless I’m really lucky…

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  18. I’m not sure what people think when my partner has taken early retirement for last 10 years while I’m still working full-time. I’m younger and not at retirement age.

    Maybe they are thinking the opposite : that I’m working to support him. Nope. So he’s free to travel abit without me controlling how he should spend his travel money.

    There are couples like us…who have separate assets…especially when one partner was divorced and had to pay child support for 2 kids until they became adults (a long time ago).

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  19. My partner and I are the same culture and race but I earn nearly twice as much as he does and while we both contribute equally to the “bills account” we keep the rest of our earnings completely separate. I do pay for some of the larger household expenses such as something needing replacement or repair. Early in our relationship, my earning more was an issue for him, in terms of he didn’t think he was contributing enough financially, but its never been a problem for me as I never felt that at all.
    How he spends “his” money is entirely up to him, likewise I would be less than impressed if he made any comments on how I spend “my” money.
    Shared “bills account” money is always up for discussion, as are household purchases.
    I think as a couple, potentially finances are a huge bone of contention – talk, talk and talk about this. But to heck with what outsiders think!

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  20. It used to feel awkward when I was in a relationship where I was not earning money. I felt that I had to be careful with money because of it, but my partner was not concerned about what I spent. Don’t let others silly perceptions bother you. You sound like you have a good understanding. Cheers

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  21. Yes, there are all kinds of stereotypes: white/black/hispanic women have loose vaginas. Asian women have tiny or no breasts. White men have small penises or are fat and hairy and smell like cheese. And, of course, there are extremely negative stereotypes of black and hispanic men, as well. Haters saying these stereotypes are just ways for them to feel good about themselves because they are insecure and/or jealous losers.

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  22. congrats on your job. i’m sure you are making Sing proud for having you as his wife, with or without a job. but i can understand the pressure. yes, now a days the society is less forgiving. it’s all about sex and money in their minds. may you both achieve greatness together while fighting against any stereotyping.

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  23. I understand how hard it is. I am engaged to a Pakistani man with whom I attend college. The support of his family (they love me ) and my family is probably the most important part. But it is hard when other people who don’t know you say things like he wants your green card, the or he will abuse you or calling him a terrorist. I mean the last one is insulting to me as well….we are both Muslim.

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    1. I think you have it even worse than we do! If your partner has little bit darker skin – already labeled as ‘lazyass’ and ‘welfare/greencard seeker’, read things like those on the Internet whenever girl just mentioned her partner is non-white 😦

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