被派好人牌的老公 – my friendzoned husband

Before I get to today’s post I just want to remind you (or inform you, in case you missed my last post) that we have a YouTube channel and you can visit it by clicking here! I hope next video will be DSC00277ready to upload this Monday!

Now let’s get down to business.
Many, many times I was wondering should I touch this topic (again) or no. But after few years of being married, I have enough. I have enough of my husband constantly being put in the friendzone by strangers.

My husband could be called Sir Sing of House Friendzone (fun fact: ‘Ser’ so often use in Game of Thrones would suit him too, literally translated to Polish as ‘cheese’ would suit his cheesy personality). He was so deep in the friendzone in his life that if he ever became an emperor or a president, the country would have Justin Lo’s ‘好人’ would be a national anthem. That’s how deep it was.

I know I shouldn’t care what others think of us, especially since it was me myself who put Sing in that zone before we started dating… I wasn’t ready, but he was patient, caring and a bit stubborn. I’ve witnessed all the things he went through.
I know how much time and nerves it cost him, and any other friendzoned guy, to get out of the friendzone. It doesn’t happen in a day or two and in most of the cases people can’t manage to get out. That’s why I stand up and clap to all of you who did it. You all are my dating heroes, I guess I not only mine because one of Sing’s closest friends said ‘Teach me, Master’ once he heard we became a couple.

I think being in the friendzone once and getting out is enough for a lifetime, yet my husband has to get out of it at least once a month. But this time he is not in the friendzone because of me, but because of strangers. image (13)
It happens way too often to stay silent. I’m an extremely patient person, but if you keep poking me for an hour I will eventually give you a death stare. Well, unless you’re Biscuit the cat, then I will rub your tummy and give you a snack. Otherwise, be prepared to make me mad.

But what am I talking about? I talk about the famous ‘Is that your friend/tour guide/translator?’. To make the matter worse, it always follows one pattern:

  • The question is always to Sing, never to me. I’ve been asked only once and it was ‘Is that your fiance?’.
    99.9% of the time it’s him hearing ‘Are you taking your FRIEND around the city?’. Now when I think of it – which one of us is in the friendzone then?
  • In case of our WMAF (Western Male Asian Female) friends it’s never ‘Is he your friend?’ but ‘Is he your boyfriend?’. I might be wrong here, but it’s all subjective, based on our experience.
  • In 80% of the cases it’s other Asian guy being shocked, 20% – really old ladies
  • The only time I was asked ‘Is that your fiance?’ was also the only case that a Westerner asked us that kind of question

When someone gets a gold Olympic medal you don’t ask them if he’s showing off with someone else’s medal. If you know what I try to say. Not that I consider myself a trophy, I would make a really lousy trophy.
Please don’t make such a face like someone told you they’ve been on a secret North Korean mission on the Sun and just came back. I swear to all of you, you should have seen the faces we’ve seen. Small eyes become anime-style eyes, the voice goes higher, then there’s that deep breath and DSC00314staring at us for the rest of the meal/shopping/whatever we came for. 

So I started wondering, why it happens so often? It didn’t matter where we went – America, China, Thailand, Singapore, Hong Kong – you name it and I point you who and when said something stupid like ‘Is she your friend?’. No, I just keep stalking that little Asian guy hoping I can get free food.
I mean, I know that AMWF community is not the biggest one, but hey! we’re growing bigger and stronger! And from the respect to your fellow guy at least don’t give us THAT FACE. You know which face I mean, the one saying ‘How? What? When? Why? WHAAAT?’, because it’s even more annoying than telling ‘No, I’m his wife’ all the time.

Then Sing and I got into a discussion about the whole ‘Is she your (everything but not a partner)?’ thing and I had a thought. Maybe, if you don’t think about the face expression, it’s actually a testicle solidarity. A mechanism that will save your bro from the public humiliation of the innocent ‘Oh no, we’re not dating, HE IS JUST MY FRIEND *add the cutest giggle you can*’.  In the worst case the answer will be ‘Yes, bla bla bla’ in the best a guy can proudly say ‘No, she’s my girlfriend/friance/wife/love of my life/something cheesy only Sing could thing of’. And that it’s . But it’s all only a theory of a person who wants to believe in good people. That is me, Sing doesn’t believe in anyone but himself. Thanks for that, Momzilla.

I don’t know how about you, but I feel much better saying it out loud. Phew, it’s good to complain once in a while and let all the steam go away.
Has it ever happened in your relationship or someone you know? How do you feel about this topic? Let us know, we’re so curious what you think! 🙂

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54 thoughts on “被派好人牌的老公 – my friendzoned husband

  1. Maybe it is just a numbers thing… My wife is Taiwanese, my best friends ex wife Chinese American, other buddy Vietnamese American. Point is I and think of at least 6 couples in our circle that are white guy asian girl, only once have known the reverse and that didn’t last very long… Takes time for cultural shifts to percolate you and Sing are ” Pioneers” 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    1. as I mentioned to few people – I could understand that question here, but in SF bay area there were like hundreds couples like us (due to large community) and I still saw shocked people. well, hopefully one day it will change or at least people will stop asking, I swear to you – at least once a month we’re asked and every single time they do the same funny expression haha 🙂
      for HK-Polish AMWF we’re not the first one, Chan Ka-lok and his wife Gabby took our spot, but let’s hope to be the runner-up 😀 haha

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    2. Pioneers? hardly:

      WM-AF = 529,000
      AM-WF = 219,000

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Interracial_marriage_in_the_United_States

      It is more to do with society ingrained in their stereotypes i.e. that white men always get asian women (no matter what the age or attractiveness difference), whilst asian men can’t get either, and are lucky to get asian women.

      White men of course are happy to keep this status quo, which is why they hardly speak out against it, and asian men and women are so ingrained into the stereotype early on, well… it’s quite shameful really.

      Liked by 1 person

    3. to add, it’s also worth pointing out that this EXACTLY happened in 1950s and 60s America and Britain re: Black men and white women. Historical accounts cite they were spat at in the streets, looked at as if they were alien – “why are they together” type. You don’t get that nowadays. Hope we don’t have to wait 50 years for it though.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As AMWF couple, we sometimes get the “friend zone” comments too. Travelling in China, some people assume I’m a tour guide / translator to my wife. Once, there was an old lady in Hong Kong assumed that we were mother & son and another time someone in Malaysia though that we were siblings… They didn’t bother us, they were frankly hilariou

    Liked by 1 person

    1. wait, what? AMWF mother, sibling, adoption… that sounds like an episode of The Bold and The Beautiful (if you don’t have at least one come-back-from-the-dead you’re not a valuable character). I hope your girl wasn’t upset about the mother comment! But the sibling thing might be backed up by scientific research. I read somewhere that people tend to find someone that looks similar to them.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. No harm done really! I just tease my wife occasionally just to remind her how young I look (even though this is not the case), especially when I got ID for going into a casino in Macau! You know I love to see people WTF face, when I drop the bombshell to them.

        I heard about the research, but I though it’s more about the personality? To be fair, we look different in that she’s a blond hair and blue eye British girl and I’m a dark hair and tanned skin Hongkongese guy… (somehow we’re adopted into the same family???) 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

        1. You know, the Angelina Jolie adoption trend… problem solved 😀 I’m glad your wife isn’t bothered by that, I still think over and over the situation when my husband’s family said we are the same age (I’m 5 years younger) 😀

          Liked by 1 person

  3. That must be really annoying.

    When we lived in the Philippines, people were often puzzled by a light-haired American like me having three dark-haired half-Chinese daughters. They knew I wasn’t their nanny. They liked to call them “Tres Marias”. Human beings are curious. There’s no way around it. I guess I’m curious too.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well we never had these problems but the closest we got once was at a bar many years ago. We were there together with many of my friends and my wife had also one Chinese male friend there. One of the other bar guests asked her if the Chinese guy is her boyfriend 😛
    But thats pretty much it, no friendzone whatsoever 🙂
    (Poor Ser Sing of House Friendzone)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. ah …HongKongese wouldn’t judge so easily, they would think about which of them are a couple…or all are friends..?..deep inside their mind… and ask nothing when there is a 2girls1boy situation….

        normal HongKongese will consider Sing is kind of badass when they first know the truth, as many of us thought 99.999999% white girls go for white guys.
        and most of them ask those questions simply out of curious.

        sure, i wont be surprised that the questions are always to Sing, at least we Hongkongese thought that is much more proper to ask the guy for such questions, as asking the girls might cause some unintentional-misunderstandings ….trust me that is really nothing to do with friendzone/trophy…etc. young hongkongese are totally cool with AMWW.

        but i mean honkongese only…not sure if the above statements are applicable to other asians….

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Yes! I’ve actually been accused of putting my own husband in the friendzone — by the dance instructor who was giving us lessons for our wedding first dance. He was also Asian, but people just have a really hard time digesting the idea, even when it’s right in front of them, as if its causing them cognitive dissonance or something.

    When my husband’s not with though, people simply cannot comprehend how my last name could possibly be Liu.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I bet some people think you’re adopted that’s why your surname is like that. Especially it’s not really common for example in China or HK to change surname after marriage so some of our friends heard ‘is that your sister?’ When they introduced the spouse to someone who didn’t know they are married 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Aahahah that is always what I want to tell people! “Oh yes, I’m adopted.”
        Usually people just try to anglo-cize my name (“L-e-w?”) or they blink at me until I offer an explanation.

        Liked by 1 person

          1. Haha nice, I didn’t know that. I am actually Polish (-American) too. I’m glad you mentioned your experience in San Francisco – we also got a really dirty look when we there just recently, which surprised me. I guess I had it in my head that SF was this magical city of AMWF couples.

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  6. Wow. I guess I shouldn’t be shocked, but I am. I think a lot of people thought Andy and I were a couple when we were just dance partners, but I never had anyone ask if we were a couple once we were a couple. We live in LA, which one would think would be on par with San Francisco, too.

    I don’t know what accounts for the difference. Maybe Andy and I ran into more white people who were were more reserved and they kept their shock to themselves? Maybe I just seem meaner and less approachable and people wisely decided to keep their opinions to themselves? Or maybe we held hands a lot and that made the answer obvious?

    As far as the dreaded “Friendzone”, though, it wasn’t ANDY who had to escape it. It was me!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I guess it’s all because of the chemistry dancers have to have in order to make a good dancing couple? 🙂 glad no one annoys you with that magic question, especially since YOU were the one in the friendzone. You’re like a second girl I heard of, who was there haha 🙂 I’m happy everything worked out 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Few years ago my husband, then fiance, was in Poland and he got really sick, so I called the doctor for private house visit. Once he entered my house and saw Asian man lying in bed, he asked “Is that the exchange student? ” lol. When I told the doctor it was my fiance, he was very cool about it, but we laugh at the “Exchange student” even now, few years later 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  8. This is not exactly the same experience, but I do have a funny story about people jumping to conclusions. When I lived in Bolivia, I used to go to this Vietnamese restaurant quite often with my boyfriend (the place was run by Koreans, which also makes it confusing). Once we took a female friend there. She has very short hair and dresses in what you might call a ‘masculine’ style. The waitress was very happy to see us and as she seated us at our table, she said to me in Spanish, “Oh, is this your son?” I was so confused, not least because my friend and I are the same age and have completely different complexions, that I didn’t understand her at first. When she saw our confusion she realized the mistake she’d made and was so embarrassed she just ran away! I felt so bad for her, but it was really funny and just goes to show how people make assumptions without really looking.

    Liked by 2 people

  9. Funny… we don’t get this reaction in India. It is pretty obvious to most folks that we are a couple even though we introduce our other half as ‘partner’ given that we aren’t married. Which only occasionally gets confused with ‘business partner’. The only odd thing that happens in expat type settings is we are asked incessantly “How do you find India?” “How long have you been here?” Assuming my partner is also a ‘foreigner’ and a bit taken aback to discover he’s 100% desi with an entire lifetime of calling India “home”.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Hehe! Early in his career he could have swung playing ‘British’ type characters yet as a proud Indian, eschewed that option. He was more comfortable with the Burmese element in his heritage which enabled him to play a tibetan monk in more than one film. All to say, interesting how a country may have tremendous range and variation and yet there is a perception of homogeneity.

        Liked by 1 person

  10. My favourite AMWF story is when I was living in Taiwan I had a very hot Japanese boyfriend for the last month or so I was there. I spoke pretty good Mandarin but his was beginner-level, so when we went out together, people would always try and talk to him in Chinese, and then he would look blank and turn to me and I would take over the conversation. Always good for a giggle to see the double shock on their faces: white girl asian boy couple! and white girl speaks better chinese than asian boy! oh my god brain melting!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, this happened with me! British born Chinese, had a girlfriend who was into Chinese culture and could speak very good Cantonese. We went into restaurants and Chinese supermarkets and time and time again, I could understand what they were asking but my girlfriend took over! It was hilarious.

      Liked by 2 people

  11. Wow, now when I think about it, in Vietname is opposite! Old ladies always asked my boyfriend (now fiance haha) “is that your wife?” and younger people immediately assumed that I’m his girlfriend. The only people who actually called me his “friend” were his family 😄

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I so understand how you feel! At the beginning it made me feel so insecure because I always thought I was at fault. Now I try to mark him as my territory everywhere we go and hold his hand and cuddle with him everytime I get “the stare”. Even more in Hong Kong! And I am already far from being concerned :3

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Haha I don’t really remember much about our stay in Fujian. I only remember that I was constantly feeling uncomfortable because everybody was staring at us. Only one young girl was asking if I was his girlfriend and told him how lucky he was to date a westener.
    Maybe we’ll try to share food next time and pay more attention to reactions 😀

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  14. You confused me for a bit. I thought Sing had to friendzone other girls because they were trying to hit on him or something! 😀

    Why don’t you just hold hands when you go out and meet those friends? That will save them the trouble to ask. If you see them trying to open their mouth, then lift your hand and flash the rings right in their eyes. Get an expensive one with a big flashy diamond, it would work better! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. It’s not friends who friend zone him but random people like clerk in a mall or a waiter or someone random in a park etc. 😀 and the funny thing is we do hold hands and do the PDA stuff yet still that gets ignored 😀 I think I would need to hug Sing like a sloth hugs tree to make it work 😀
      I don’t know, do ‘just friends teachers guides’ hold hands too? 😀

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      1. I know those one night “paid services” (if you know what I mean) hold hands and do PDA too when they have those pre dinner or date to build up the “feel”, I hope nobody thinks you (or him) are that! :/

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        1. Sing had the same feeling, but he looked at me and said (drums) ‘Nah, you wear glasses.’ …. I think he wanted to say ‘Nah, no one would like to pay for that’ XDD but girls in interracial relationships are often picked on, we hear that we either date for money (Asians) or sex (Black etc.) – sad 😦

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  15. Sigh – it sounds like a problem many have experienced. People used ask my ( ex) husband “are you her translator?” also. As his English was poor and we communicated in Mandarin, sometimes I’d joke and reply, “no, I’m his translator”. didn’t help that he was some years younger than me, also.
    Now it happens with my daughter. if we are together with her dad, no worries. But by ourselves, I have people coming up to ask her, pointing to me, “she is your what?” (她是你的什么?)Worse, they will ask me if she is adopted.
    It gets very trying.

    I think it is to do with stereotypes. Orange, I had a similliar experience as you, with a Japanese friend in a resturant. She would be addressed and when I replied – shock, horror!!! I have had perfectly good conversations in Mandarin with taxi drivers, and when they turn their head around to see a whiteish face, some of them simply cannot speak anymore – oh, a white face, speaking Chinese, do not compute, brain -freeze!
    哎呀!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh wow, that’s sad. I mean, you found a perfect come-back to that ‘Is he your translator?’ thing, but I cannot understand how someone can ask so straight forward ‘Is he/she adopted?’. Not only very rude, but might also really hurt the child. 😦

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      1. yep, hurts her, hurts me… and almost worse, it has happened in Australia also. perfect strangers come up and ask “is she adopted” and its like, hey, did I ask you how and when and where you concieved your child? of course I dont say that … we are kind of used to it but it is still hurtful.so insensitive.

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          1. oh, actually that really does make me feel better. but i wouldn’t hold hopes that noone will do it again – though I must say now she is older, it happens less rarely. still happens though. Levels of what is acceptable courtesy is so different, culturally, as I’m sure you know. its also not very nice for those people who do adopt – like whose business is it anyhow – children are children, with parents, no matter how they are concieved or come into the world. reading your posts I always smile – or get annoyed for you – with similiar things I have experienced over the years. safety in numbers, I guess 🙂

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  16. I used to get exactly the same when I was dating a Korean guy. It was never an issue in the UK but when we were in Korea, people would constantly gawp at us- I felt like some kind of animal in a zoo. People would often make snide comments in Korean not knowing I speak near fluent Korean. My favourite comment? “Damn, he must be really rich”….if only my rant response had been recorded, I’d be an internet star no doubt!!!

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