家庭主婦的生活 – life of a housewife

Life of a housewife – not as interesting as Life of Pi, I mean, I haven’t seen the movie but I’m pretty sure last 1.5 year IMG_0082of my life wouldn’t win the Academy Award.
I never thought that at the age of 23, the peak of my life, I will be a stay-at-home wife. When you think of interracial and international relationships you see those opportunities that are just a bonus to a lovely partner you have: traveling, seeing the world, meeting new cultures. Yes, that’s all true: I’ve traveled, I’ve seen the world, I met new cultures. But the path we chose and all the back-up plans I had, meant nothing to the reality, law, life opportunities of each other.

I sometimes read AMWF forums and I see people planning their future and taking those plans for granted. I won’t lie, I did the same. I thought everything will go exactly the way I wanted and if not – I had 2 other back-up plans. I was more naive than if I trusted Sing saying ‘My mom won’t come here and stay so long when you get pregnant’.

In the end Sing got a great job opportunity in America which forced me to become a housewife since a spouse of a visa holder cannot work. At least cannot for work money. Because being a housewife is technically a job too. Unless you ask Momzilla – her logic is ‘If you earn enough you can get a cook, a cleaning lady, gardener and even a girl’. You don’t need to work physically as long as it gives an income, therefore me being a small house manager working like a mad dog is just not considered a work.

My mother’s-in-law encouraging words don’t really help me in dealing with this situation. To be honest with you I hate being a housewife. I don’t deny I wouldn’t mind it if it was on my own terms, not that I’m forced to be here, in a middle of nowhere with no one to talk to. image (12)I’m so happy to have Biscuit because I would end up having conversations with myself – now I can personalize me in Biscuit’s body, which is not awkward and weird at all. I’m not so wealthy to enjoy this state – I’m not 太太 who will get tired with shopping in a luxurious boutiques, my definition of luxury shopping is right now is ROSS – dress for less and extra jasmine milk green tea less sweet, that costs 1USD more than the regular once. We have enough money for rent, to go out eat something in a reasonable price 2-3 times a week, we have little bit more than enough for us and the cat, but we also don’t have enough to afford a child so in other words you can see that my ‘entertainment’ is pretty limited. Especially when you live in a town where Walmart and McDonald’s seem to be two most attractive places. To do shopping I walk 2 km to the bus stop, then I take my few kilograms of shopping and I walk back another 2km. Yes, I’m a neighbor of Courage the Cowardly Dog – get it? 😉

Even though, as I said I hate being a housewife, at least I try to give 200% from myself. I’m the leader of the workship, przodownik pracy, 200% normy – the one who introduces superproduction, mainly based on the story of Wincenty Pstrowski, a miner who once achieved 270 percent of expected efficiency per month. That’s how I cook, that’s how I clean, that’s how I do my house chores, 201406231601169575that’s how I plan our budget – I even got a special money book, because everyone knows that the best way to save money is spend 9USD to get a cute notebook from South Korea where you write your spendings. Actually if I worked as a part time cook, cleaner, gardener, delivery-boy and a laundry machine I would earn pretty good money. I always give everything from myself, in anything I do. Even though it feels like everyday is the same: cook, clean, feed the meowing butthole, I try to come up with different recipes, Sing always has few different side dishes with his rice, I bake cookies or muffins twice a week, I test new laundry detergent, look for some deals online. I’m literally managing the house, everything is written down and my receipts and scanned and kept on the external drive. You wish to have me around if you ever have to deal with tax control.
I made our place like a little company. Don’t know how other housewives feel but it makes me feel like I’m doing something extremely important and take my mind away from thinking ‘It’s not how I wanted to live my life’.

I know I might sound as bitter as bitter melon is, but there are also few advantages of being a housewife. Try to find me another type of work where you can watch 5 seasons of ‘Breaking Bad’ in 2 weeks period and then spend extra 3 days thinking how empty your life is once you know the ending. If you don’t have kids you can use that time to study your partners language or do something that is your passion. Not to mention you can take those naps you didn’t want to take while you were in kindergarten. 4PM and I’m out for half an hour. I can take a day off without putting people in trouble, I have time to call my parents.

I also think a big part of accepting the way things are now in my husband’s hands. He doesn’t use words like ‘my/your money’, he doesn’t let me feel the work I’m doing is useless. He will say ‘I’m so happy, you always cook so much food for me’ or ‘Guys at work were jealous of my lunchbox’. It could be much different if he hasn’t been the way he is – I know he likes the whole concept of ‘Me hungry, me bring dinosaur, you clean cave and cook dinosaur‘, but since he knows that it’s not my cup of tea he tries to show me his support.

So girls, and maybe some of you guys, if God laughs at your plans and change your whole world upside down, try to give 100% from yourselves and just go for it. IMG_0131It might not be the happiest period in your life, there are times I sit on my bed and cry because I feel useless, but everything happens for a reason, for me that reason is my husband’s career – in only 1.5 year of working in the company he became like ultra-Mario, leveled up 3 times and now he’s coordinating mega-project. I work hard here, so he can have a strength and courage to work hard for us there. And who knows what kind of opportunities will open for both of us if the project goes smoothly? Today I complain about being a housewife and maybe tomorrow we will be sent to Europe or Asia, because the same way I didn’t plan to be here today the same way I might need to change my life all over again tomorrow.

Do you think you could be happy as a housewife/househusband? Would you mind if your spouse chose that path? Share your view on this topic! We cannot wait to read it! 🙂
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83 thoughts on “家庭主婦的生活 – life of a housewife

        1. no, if someone was typing wwww.myhongkonghusband.wordpress.com because that’s how he/she remember it it will redirect everything to .com 🙂 maybe on those alexa rankings it might not be recognized but there was no problem with getting into the old content 🙂

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  1. I think it’s fabulous you’ve turned being a housewife into a project, and you’ve certainly nailed the positives. It also takes courage these days to say ‘I’m supporting my husband so that our family has a brighter future’.

    I’m in a similar position, part-time studying and full-time housewife here in China. It was my own decision to ‘move to China’ but I quickly realised I don’t want to be an ESL teacher, and that’s pretty much the only job I’m good for at this time and place, so I try to cherish this time and support my husband and get used to being a ‘family’. I love the money savings book, I have my precious Filofax for the same reason – CEO’s diary!

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  2. I think you have the right mindsetーtreating it like a job and giving it your all. It *is* hard work and certainly underestimated by a lot of people. I may hit a period of my own like that from January, depending on my work after I finish my studies (for this semester at least). I think if I did what you’ve done, and continued blogging I could make it work, but at the same time I’m worried I’d get lonely. ^^; I’ve already had to adjust to that since I have to study and work now, I don’t have much free time (not without feeling guilty anyway). I’m glad you have Biscuit to keep you company. I would love to have a furry friend to keep me company now (and to force me to go out on walks to take breaks between work/study). 😦

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    1. I think loneliness is the worst thing, our area is full of really old people and industrial buildings so there are almost no chances to meet anyone to talk to. Sing said that I was so happy in a week Linda was here because I could talk to someone who is not him or Biscuit

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      1. Yeah, I can imagine that can be quite frustrating at times. :/ Even just being able to hang out for a cup of coffee once a week with someone you connect with really makes a difference. I hope you find someone like that in your area (that has their own teeth 😉 ).

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  3. Househusband? Me? Never!!!! I’m just to Asian to accept that concept. In my opinion, Asian men has this ego thing going for them. I don’t necessarily want my wife to be a stay at home housewife, but I would love it if my wife can count on me to be the breadwinner of the family. If I get to the point where I can say: “Darling, it’s okay, you can work if it makes you happy, or you can quit and help me spend my money in shopping malls if you don’t want to work”, then that would do wonderful things to my ego. A man is supposed to be able to provide to his woman.

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  4. I planned my life, too. And then it didn’t work out the way I planned. Until we moved to the Philippines, I was a teacher. Then I became an expat wife. I had fun in the Philippines. I helped out at the kids’ nursery school, took painting lessons, went swimming and to women’s club meetings. We had dinner parties and made lots of wonderful friends from around the world. But, like you, sometimes I felt useless. It was hard to let go of my original plan and figure out something new. I had to be creative. I tried various things. Finally I got interested in writing and took some classes. I wish I’d thought of it sooner.

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  5. I’d go stark raving mad!

    When I got married in 1995, India did not permit me to work… that was the biggest reason for moving to Canada and I could not face a future of no work! When India permitted spouses to work on a PIO visa, we moved back to India. That the marriage didn’t last beyond 15 years is another story… but I could not imagine being banned from earning.

    That being said, I’ve seen remarkable industry amongst friends who come to India with their spouses and technically cannot work. So they become hugely involved in meaningful charitable activities, set up their own businesses with partners who can being the ‘face’ of the company and much more.

    Clearly your blog is a fabulous outlet and you have found ways to occupy yourself. And that flexibility knowing it may change is an important perspective.

    I’m in my ‘downtime’ now and found your precise book keeping reminiscent of the way I’ve attacked setting up my business accounts and figuring out how the tax system in Singapore works (from my desktop in Mumbai).

    Best wishes and takes courage to confess frustration with your current situation. 🙂

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  6. you really sound like the kind of person that I try to be when I decide to clean my room and eat better, with the difference that I never once succeded. I see my mom working outside & inside and I don’t think either one is easy, but especially working at home because it’s not something she chose, it just came with the “mom package”.

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          1. I go to muay thai class twice a week which means a lot of sweat…unfortunately this convinced me that I can eat twice as much and twice as bad, so my “healthy lifestile” lever is very very low!

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  7. I am kind of a housewife now too! Well, I am looking for a job and stuff (though it is not looking great, work visas are hard to get). I can totally relate to the feeling useless part… I start thinking I will never get a job again u_u”
    My bf is like Sing, he says if I don’t work it is totally ok. But I want to work!
    I think they key is trying to keep a positive attitude, like you. We have to think that everything will be ok 🙂

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      1. In China, you can work if you find a job that sponsors you for a work visa. Can’t you do that in the US? If you find a company willing to hire you, couldn’t you change your spousal visa into a work visa?

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        1. my qualifications are not that high for a lawyer to show that I’m a must need candidate, even if I was – it can be issued once a year, in April companies apply for visas and few weeks later there’s a lottery because the amount of the working visas that can be issued in each year is limited. Sing got it this year, but his other co-worker didn’t, so he had to extend his training and still is on OPT waiting for next year’s lottery. but they try now to enforce the law that H4 visa (mine) can work – so let’s see what happens 🙂

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          1. Oh, I see. It would be great that they opened your visa to allow work! I wish they did the same in China, but I guess they wouldn’t even consider it.
            If not, we could open a business together, you open a real asian style shop there and I can be in charge of handling the suppliers and send you the products from China, haha!

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  8. Bycie kurą domową (po prostu uwielbiam to określenie, a może tylko kury… ko ko) na dłuższą metę jest frustrujące, szczególnie gdy nie ma dzieci (wtedy przez chwilę jest chyba nawet porządane ;)), ale grunt to się nie poddawać i szukać tego dobrych stron gdzie się da! 🙂

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  9. Chociaż cię trochę podziwiam. Wyszłaś za mąż jak miałaś ~21 lat? Tak? Ja teraz tyle mam, chętnie bym się jakoś bardziej “ustatkowała”, no aleee ;). Z tego co zauważyłam to większość ludzi w tym wieku (przynajmniej w Polsce i UK) raczej stara się unikać tematów okołomałżeńskich dopóki nie ma dziecka 😉

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    1. wzgledy prawne – malzonek moze wiecej niz osoba w konkubinacie, szczegolnie ze mielismy wizje nie widzenia sie w ogole, jesli on zaczalby swoj OPT a ja nie dostala wizy turystycznej to bysmy sie 1.5 roku nie widzieli ponad. poza tym lepszego nie znajde, jak mnie podczas TYCH dni znosi to juz lepiej nie bedzie haha 🙂 jak sie bedziesz czula gotowa, to czemu nie? 🙂

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  10. Hang in there 🙂
    I have been after my graduation pretty much a house man for 1 1/2 years, except that I can only boil water thus all cooking eneed up with my wife after her work. However I did all cleaning, buying groceries etc.
    I personally hated it as I could not find any job but I tried to look forward what life might bring for changes in Germany. In the end it wasnot all thy bad, I difeintely didn’t look at tili,e a job like you do, but it gave me opportunity to build some stuff around the house, enjoy TV shows in mass everyday, go geek with my favorite online games and work
    On my novel.
    Now we are in Germany, my wife will soon go to language course for the next six months and I…well…might or might not have soon a job :p I surely do have beteer chances to get a job here as I even get interviews and feedback unlike in Finland but I can never tell how life developes.
    P.S. Even though my wife is right now also here at home while I was busy renovating and she had no work in this new country she managed to earn money. She seems to be a born business woman while I am more the house man who can’t cook

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    1. that’s in the blood – I know Chinese people who cannot work but earn on like currency difference or shipping unique stuff to Asia, out friend shipped some ipads few years ago haha they are just born this way 🙂
      I keep my fingers crossed for you – so hard they are almost breaking! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  11. I’ve never been a full out housewife, but until this year (when our baby was born) I had a lot of free time. I pretty much was only working on weekends. I tried to use the time to improve my Chinese, read novels I may not have otherwise (like Anna Korinina and Crime & Punishment), and learned how to cook a lot of things from scratch. It would have been really hard to not work at all. I dont like the feeling of not earning any money, but the free time I kind of like!

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  12. Wow. One of the deepest and most heartfelt posts I’ve read here. I don’t know how it feels to sacrifice everything and do things you don’t like to be with the one you love, but I will say it takes a rare woman to do that. Sing is EXTREMELY lucky.

    That’s why he should smile more.

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    1. Thank you so much for your kind words. I think he cannot smile recently (not only because his mother was here for so long and just sucked out life from us) but he has so much work. He stays up to 2AM everyday preparing the project, I stay with him so it’s more ‘even’ rather than I sleep comfy in the bed and his there in the living room trying to come up with the stuff – all the time he’s so tired that I hardly see him smiling around the home. But that’s also really huge chance for him so the only thing I can do is cook the best I can and comfort him as much as possible.
      But that’s true, haven’t seen him smiling much in a while…

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  13. I will be a housewife once I move to Korea next year. Well at least until my Korean is good enough to look for a job or we until me and my husband have a baby. I don’t really mind though. I like cooking and stuff, talking to my cat and spending time on my own. But also I like working and I’m afraid at some point being a housewife will start bothering me and then what…

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    1. personally for me it was fun for first 2-3 months, later it got frustrating, but we all got jobs we need to do. if you live in a bigger city it’s much more easy to survive that housewife stage than in you live in a small town like us.
      I wish you very best for your journey in Korea! 🙂

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  14. I would suggest you find an organization that you like its values and services, and do some volunteer work. You’re way too young to be a full-time housewife. And your suppressed frustration will get worse over time unless you find a creative, learning outlet that keeps you intellectually challenged.

    Most women I know find it tough to be full-time with babies and children for many years. Especially if they have a college or university degree. They already KNOW a former life and know their skill set which is suppressed when they choose to be a full-time housewife.

    Would I have been happy? Not for long. I’ve been unemployed twice in my life with last time for 18 months. I needed to earn money and apply my skills. But then I also chose not to have children…I’m the oldest of 6. So you can guess what my responsibilities were as a young teen and our parents were poor. No nannies/maids.

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  15. I liked your post! I’ve been home for almost two years and I love it. Of course, much of my time is looking after babykins and that is something that is always changing. I plan to go back to work next year but only for some qualification requirements. Hopefully I’ll be off again or only working part-time. I think it’s hard to understand the massive shift in priorities that can happen to both parents once a baby is born. As for being at home pre-baby, I liked the freedom but needed money. I can understand feeling isolated. When relatives moved to the US, one half couldn’t work and the only options in the community were church or socialites. !! If neither fit, then what?! Like someone else said, are there groups you can join at the library, uni or through meetup?

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  16. Well, no, nothing to do with being Chinese and earning money. I don’t think I have the patience to be a good parent. I saw too much stress of my parents raising 6 kids.

    It’s quite demanding …because after all, children don’t appreciate efforts for lst 20-25 yrs. or longer.

    I believe that your husband over time, over the years, may not realize your sacrifice of self for his career. Not really. Seriously. He’s too busy learning and getting excited about his job/career, not about you…during 8 hrs. daily on the job.

    Hope you find some face to face group of like minded folks to share interests and activities.

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  17. I bought century egg the other day too! I try not to eat it as much though because it’s not supposed to be good for you, given the amount of chemical used to “petrify” the egg, but it tastes so good!

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  18. on another note, did you ever think about volunteering? it’s a good way to keep active and yet give back to your community. Also, it gets you out and about to make new friends and meet your local neighbors. Then usually that can lead to coffee dates and maybe some job opportunities like tutoring which may or may not need a visa or will end up sponsorship for one.

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  19. Lina, I think for most people who haven’t experienced anything similar it’s hard to understand how depressing your situation is. It’s not like you chose to be a housewife. But I think you’re doing a great job and shouldn’t underestimate your own value in the things you do (learning foreign languages, writing an awesome blog, managing a household). You’re talented, no matter if you work or if you’re a housewife. People are often being judged solely on their careers and this is not fair. No matter what you do, competition is tough nowadays and society puts a lot of pressure on women (having careers and taking care of families, while at the same time managing a household). Although it often seems like other people have awesome careers and great lives, everyone has their own struggles and what you see is not always as beautiful as it seems in real life. Just wanted to give you a heads up!

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  20. “Feeding the meowing butthole” hahahahahaha! And yeah, I feel for you. My wife was in a similar spot last year, but at least she was allowed to make and sell cakes from home… She’s pretty much taken a leaf from your book and made everything in our house run smoother than a grease-slicked hover-pig. Plus the baby arriving has given us stuff to do. The happiest thing reading this piece is that it sounds like you and your Sing really lift reach other up and support one another. Makes me think you’re going to be just fine. People always try to sell the early twenties as a time to party, and they are, but they’re also a time of great financial insecurity. Once you guys get through the next five years you’ll have a lot more money behind you, and then everything else will seem a lot easier.
    Chin up! 🙂

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  21. I read this post the other day and came back on my laptop to respond. This post really resonated with me, as I’ve relocated to Australia and I’ve been basically forced to become a housewife while waiting for my partner visa. I’ve been here nearly a year and it may take another 12-15 months!

    Technically I can work temporarily, but we’re in a small, small town for my husband’s job and I haven’t been able to find work after leaving my position at the local university due to my visa. Like yourself, I’ve enjoyed having time to learn to cook new cuisines (Moroccan!) and studying language, art, etc. keeps me busy, but some days I find it maddening that I haven’t yet used my master’s degree. My visa also prevents me from taking language classes or doing any other training, which makes it difficult to make friends. It even limits volunteer work! And although I support the idea of doing volunteer work, it can also be depressing to be assisting someone who is being paid for it. For example, I was assisting somebody in international law, which I have a master’s degree in. He was being paid and I wasn’t. My husband and I have similar academic backgrounds and I have to admit I feel a little green with jealousy when he’s off to work-sponsored language classes or whatever, while I have to rely on itunes university or sitting at home alone with books. We’re relocating to a large city soon (yay!) but this year has been TOUGH and I’ve often felt ashamed to tell my old classmates or friends how I spend most days. Cleaning, cooking, reading quietly by myself, only having one or two friends to meet for lunch every once in awhile. Even making friends can add to suffering, as when going to new events everyone asks what it is that you ‘do.’ We don’t have children either, and I often feel people don’t value the work that I do. My husband is often gone for a month at a time, so taking care of the house, the visa process and arranging our wedding did often feel like a full time job and of course, it could be very lonely.

    Anyway, sorry that got a bit rambly, but just wanted to empathize and share my similar struggles! If you have the time, I really recommend doing an online course through itunes u – I did a statistics course and an online programming course and it really did help keep me sane and make me feel like I was developing some skills during the wait.

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  22. My comment that if you find people too old and there are only children in your area:

    Maybe rethink instead of what things interest you. And then you might have to take transit or go abit further to do stuff.

    I’m not making up stuff..I’ve been unemployed twice in my life..last time for 18 months. I volunteered for the local cycling advocacy group in their events…it was fun and had nothing to do with the age groups, tea parties, etc. I also helped set up blog for my partner for his business.

    Good thing your blogging along. It’s important. Keep it up.

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  23. Sounds like you are making the best of where you are at in life right now. Don’t be too hard on yourself — you are staying active, using your mind, and learning so much about the world and different cultures. Of course, I have to tell myself the same thing from time to time. I too never planned on being a housewife, but became one and moved to the middle of nowhere China after just finishing my Master’s degree. I’d love to be back home in the U.S. and working on some days, but other days I think how lucky I am to live abroad when so many others can only dream of an experience like this.

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  24. You’re incredible, girl. I’m about to celebrate my 23rd birthday and I can’t imagine to become a housewife, this century’s a women rebellion! Once someone told me not to sacrifice anything for a partner, and you sacrificed yourself for his career. Hopefully you’ll get out of that situation too so you can grow professionally too 🙂

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  25. Really admire you! I don’t think I could ever move away to a place and do what you do. I have a friend who moved overseas for her husband and she couldn’t work for the first two years. I’m not married but it’s interesting to hear your kind of life!!

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  26. i applaud you for sticking to the responsibilities and still able to see the positive side due to your love for your husband. i must say, i hope he knows how lucky he is to have you as a partner. i think the key to getting comfortable in living anywhere in the world, is not only having things to do, but also friends to hang with. i hope you getting to meet more people and have friends of your own. this would greatly increase the level of love for the country/city you live in.

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  27. Until last year, I was in a very, very similar situation as you. I am Dutch, my husband is Japanese, and we lived in the East Bay for 3 years while he was in graduate school in SF. His student visa only allowed him a low-paying parttime job on campus, and my spousal visa did not even allow me to do volunteer work. We were basically only allowed to spend money while we lived in the States. It’s a frustrating situation to live in. We did manage to enjoy our lives there though. We made loads of friends, and whilemy husband worked on his degree, I got involved in the craft and dance community. Still, I felt like our lives were on hold. Our American friends were having children but because of our situation we couldn’t afford it. Last year, after my husband graduated, we moved to the UK and now we both work fulltime and I am pregnant. Our lives are no longer on hold! I’m happy to have found your blog. It’s fun to read since we have so much in common. Where in the Bay Area do you live? If you like dancing I know a large welcoming community in Oakland to join and perhaps you’ll find yourself dancing in SF’s annual Carnaval Parade in May ;).

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  28. Only the people who married a foreigner understand this, especially girls (My husband’s argument is female can breast feed the baby and men cannot, but to me it sounds exactly the same as Sing’s concept: “Me hungry, me bring dinosaur, you clean cave and cook dinosaur”). I am having a very nice job in HK now and might have to give it up as he might be sent back to Hamburg next year. I have never imagined to be a housewife (hate it!) in my life, I was educated in the way that “if you don’t work hard then you will starve”. The move is definitely not easy for me. But as you said, if God laughed at your plan, what can you do? The only thing I can do is to stay positive, try my best in no matter which situation I would be, who knows if one day God would change his mind again? Good luck!

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  29. Ever thought of getting a enrolling at distance ed or local community college and getting a student visa instead? You could work a few hours a week and keep you busy? I would go crazy if I had to live in the middle of nowhere in the states not knowing anyone. I tried being a housewife in a big city for a couple months and I felt like I was going crazy.

    At 23, I would never only think about my husbands wish, instead I would be selfish and think of what I want to do before I get bogged down with kids. Perhaps your relationship is strong enough to be long distance? My husband always tell me he would never stop me from doing what I loved. He is moving away to Shanghai for the next year and half and I have no plans to move with him there to be a housewife because he knows I would be so unhappy. But good for you for committing!

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        1. I have to agree – if a man wants to cheat he will do it, how many wives living with their husbands find out about affair? the best we can do is trust that we picked right men who won’t cheat 🙂 although I think it’s very personal decision to follow or not, some people are willing, some other want to focus more on themselves – if the relationship is strong enough to handle it and both sides agree then there’s no problem 🙂
          PS going back to school next year, now if I want to go I need to change my visa again and pay foreign student fee, but if I wait for 1 year on H4 visa then since October I will be able to pay a local fee – sadly it’s always about money haha 😉

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  30. Hi, I stumbled upon your post and I like how you’re perceiving things from the bright side. It’s so inspiring ! I am a working mom but I could totally relate to how you feel. No matter what we do, I agree that we need to give our 100%

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