During last 7 weeks of Momzilla’s staying here we both improved our relationship. We talk more. Or I should say we do everyday charades to communicate. Language barrier between us gets smaller and we are able to get rid of that awkward silence.
I can even say that we feel quite comfortable in each other’s presence. So why I still call her ‘Momzilla’?
Well, since I can understand more of what she’s saying I can understand that 90% of what she’s saying are some kind of complaints. Smaller or bigger, but there’s no day without complaining. Most of the time, just like my husband, we pretend to listen, nod our heads, do the ‘hmmm’ sound and let her talk, talk, talk. That’s how she was, how she is today and probably after her death she will haunt Sing and me just to complain how afterlife sucks and that we’re not burning her tasty paper-food. I’m used to it, but my life was easier when I had no clue what she’s complaining about.
I’m a patient person, I have a love-needy husband, always-not-satisfied father and forever-hungry cat, trust me – I know what patience it. I also know she’s pretty lonely so I try not to get bothered by her and just let her say things out, but there’s a time of the month NONE of us can handle the tension in the house. That’s where we come to the ‘period brain’.
You may ask me: what is ‘period brain’. According to the Urban Dictionary ‘When bitches be going crazy due to their menstrual cycle. Periodbrain may cause: irrational thoughts, spontaneous crying, extreme anger, random freak-outs, freak-outs over boys, the creation of unrealistic scenarios and just pure bitchiness‘. Sadly, I have to agree, I have it too. Last week I called my husband a ‘butt hole’ and literally cried to him that he doesn’t love me anymore because he didn’t want to buy Snowy Moon Cakes from Hong Kong. Now when I think of it 35USD plus tax for few moon cakes is pretty expensive but at that time I was affected by my period-brain and just wanted that pack. To be honest I still want it but I’m not bitching around about it anymore. To be fair, how a girl cannot burst when a guy says ‘I know you feel bad’… You know nothing Jon Snow! You don’t even get a joke because you don’t watch ‘Game of Thrones’.
Now you know why I laugh when people tell him that he is the lucky one to have me…
I can bet some of you are like ‘Lina, but why you say both of you have the period brains, when your mother in law is in the age she probably doesn’t even remember how it is?’. The answer is simple: I’m having a period that means she doesn’t have a grandchild. Well, to be honest I don’t know how on earth we should even proceed to conceiving one when she’s sleeping behind a room divider and feeds my husband with onion and garlic for every meal. If I get pregnant then I would suggest you look up in the sky, because last time something like that happened we had a new era coming.
So with all the pain of not having a grandchild she has a week long complaint festival and longer it lasts, the complaints get more ridiculous. All until I’m ready again to become an incubator of her dreams. Because of the above I spent last few weeks writing down what she’s saying and made my list of most annoying, bizarre or silly complaints Momzilla made since she’s here. Enjoy!
- Do you want to make a grandchild? Doesn’t have to be a grandson (in the rhythm of ‘Do you want to build a snowman’ from Frozen). She will approach me while I try to eat just to show me videos of ladies during their labor and when I ask Sing to tell her it kinda kills my appetite and she will start nagging that we’re getting old and sooner I have a child sooner he can get more tax deduction. You read it right.
- No washing machine can gain my trust. Only hand washing can make your clothes clean. Well, I can walk in my dirty washing machine-made laundry. But I don’t blame her, my husband’s grandma first washes things in hands then puts them to the washing machine.
- Bus fare is too damn high! Let’s just walk that 24 km to Sing’s work. We will save 10 dollars and waste 5 hours of our lives. Totally worth it. Don’t mind you can die on the way there. The only fair price is the same amount she pays in Shanghai – 2 RMB which is 32 cents. Don’t be fooled, buses in Hong Kong are quite expensive too!
- Chinese babies are not pretty. Where do you have your eyes, woman? The only beautiful Asian child is Sing, not even his sister, only him himself. Beautiful, smart, dream of every girl. She gets really upset when she is told that our child might look more Asian than white. It will have only half of the God’s genes so it at least should be blond with bright eyes and chubby cheeks which is the only acceptable ‘cute baby look’.
- That pork bone has no meat. She would stand LITERALLY for 10 minutes in front of a meat stand in our local Chinese mall and complaint to us and the guy who works there how American malls give no meat on the bones, how bad the soup will be and how big portions are back in Asia. Later she will sit in the back of our car and keep talking about that pork bone. Every single time she will eat the soup made out of those bones she will also complain about the very same thing. It gives around 1h total of complaining about stupid bones. To make it more funny she doesn’t like meat at all.
- I want to eat Western food but not that. Italian? No, too cheesy and looks like mud. Polish? Too meaty. Czech? Too heavy. Greek? Too raw. And who eats lamb? American? Too much sodium, but burger from In-N-Out is acceptable when starving. French? Is garlic bread french? Nah, let’s eat Asian food. You waste an hour of your life to find what she wants to eat and that’s even before entering the restaurant. You can only imagine how much it takes once she gets the menu.
- Why people look at me like that when I approach their children? With her granny-needs she approached random
people on the street, in shops or in IKEA, stares at their babies for a while and wants to play with them. She doesn’t even have a feeling she should first ask if she can, later she complaints why people look at her like she was a weirdo. Somehow she cannot understand ‘You cannot touch babies without a permission’ – not in English, Shanghainese neither Cantonese. But she will complain it’s not as nice as in Asia (where she doesn’t look at babies – go back to complaint #4)
- Why do you tip so much? No, Sing doesn’t tip anyone like he was at least 李嘉誠. But Momzilla is used to 10% that is already charged in most of the places she eats in Hong Kong. If it’s not a fancy place she will complain for every tip that is over 10%. Her shanghainese brain has calculator inside, when it goes to counting spending or prices she’s faster than any computer made by a human. If you’re not fast enough to hide the receipt, be prepared for an hour long ride with a 1-record CD ‘Why you tip so much’ by Momzilla and The Gang.
Most of the time I ignore it. During ‘haunt for red October’ I used to freak out and put my husband in very uncomfortable position between me and her, now I try to laugh about it because two crazy ladies in 30m2 is more than enough for one Hong Kong man.
Do you have anyone like Momzilla in your family? Do you agree or disagree with her? Share your stories and anecdotes, I would love to read them 🙂