As you may (or may not) know I had a pleasure to meet my husband’s parents just month and a half before we got married. They knew about me, but we never really spoke to each other so it was pretty shocking for them to have an extra person in the family. Non of us had time to get used to each other. It’s been little bit over two year (yes, next Sunday Sing and I will have our second wedding anniversary!) but I cannot get over one feeling: my mother-in-law is a witch!
No, not that sexy-Chinese demon-witch, neither a witch from European fairy tales. Cross out witchy-mom-in-law from Polish jokes as well. In fact her look is pretty innocent and when she laughs you could even think she’s nice. As a matter of fact last few weeks she’s less annoying than my husband, but going back to the main topic: why I think she’s a witch?
In those past two years I’ve noticed there are weird things happening whenever we are about to meet or we see each other. Those thing don’t only happen to me but she also has impact for the environment. Let me show you some of the examples.
- Weather gets crazy. Hong Kong people are used to having typhoons every now and then, but T10-typhoon is not really common. Just few days after we got married T10, Vincent, hit Hong Kong. I guess her sadness over losing son had a little delay. But it wasn’t the first time – last time T10 hit was in 1999. That was the same year Sing got his first Internet connection and discovered his first ghost-girl love, Hilary Duff. Also, back in Poland, my hometown Wroclaw is cold during the winter time but it’s not really often when the weather gets under -15C during the day. I don’t know the reason but whenever my husband went there during the winter time he never had a chance to feel so much cold. Actually, if that’s a fact, I might now be a candidate to the Nobel Prize: Momzilla and her influence on global warming.
- Animals are dying. That’s pretty sad but in 2012 when Momzilla came to visit my family, few days before her departure my beloved dog died. Yes, of course she was 14.5 years old which for dachshund is a lot and she was sick already for a while but I think she knew what’s happening. It wasn’t only her – the time Momzilla mentioned she wants to apply for a visa to visit us in America I found a dying bird in a backyard. Since she’s hear we also had a dead opossum right in front of our doors and I found a dead skunk. They all knew.
- Spiders, spiders everywhere. I’m afraid of spiders, not just scared but I literally yell like I was hit by a car. They are disgusting, have big butts and way too many legs. Not to mention they are just little spies of devil walking around the world – I see no other reason why they would be created. And guess how many spiders I’ve seen last week? Four, including one in the shower (!) and one in our so-called bedroom. I didn’t want to put the picture, but you just need to see how big those bastards are. Maybe if those were the tiny ones I can easily smash with my slipper, but NO – let’s make sure daughter-in-law gets a heart attack when perverted spider watches her taking a shower.
- Bruises all over me. First I thought that maybe I’m sick. Then I thought I might be actually dying. Later, after not sleeping for a whole night, I thought it was my husband who causes all those bruises when he dreams of being a horse. Seriously, no other explanation – either he’s a horse or Usain Bolt. Now I think it’s all because of her, maybe she’s making some potions. Or maybe I just need to be more active around the house so I don’t look so lazy, therefore I hit myself more often and look like I had a meeting with Mike Tyson. Good that at least I still have my ear.
- Cats can sense paranormal activity. And evil. Biscuit is not the most active cat you will ever meet. To be honest, she’s one sweet lazy-ass, the only time she’s active is when she hears the food being moved. Aside of that maybe she will catch a fly or two, but most of her time is spent on the bed/floor/surface that allows her to lay down and sleep. Since Momzilla is here not only Biscuit has been active and running around. Whenever she tries to take kitty on her arms, Biscuit starts to meow and her pupils get huge. Unless Momzilla has some snack in her hand – Biscuit would sell her soul to the devil himself for some dried squid. Or maybe she has already done that…
- She has healing powers. Besides of course the power of hot water that can cure anything. Most of you probably has seen a typical Chinese knife that looks like the owner was about to butcher someone? My mother-in-law has one too, luckily she still test it on me, but she cut her finger once. It wasn’t just a mark, but a deep, deep cut. I remember Sing and I almost got a heart attack, we left her with father-in-law and went straight to pharmacy downstairs for 雲南白藥. Did she went to a doctor? Nope, she just covered her finger, put some H2O2, maybe sprayed her finger once or twice with 雲南白藥 and she doesn’t even have a scar in that place. I hit my knee and I have a 3 cm scar there.
- She speaks some kind of evilish (not elvish). Or simply Shanghainese, a language of the Dark Lord, Lord Vader and Momzilla. Often heard by witnesses of the exorcism. I can bet a slice of Black Forest Cake that it’s a fact – if you ever heard Shanghainese you would know I’m right and I would get fat with all the cake. 😉
It is also said that witches talk to themselves and she does that too. I mean, she probably talks to her son but he chooses to ignore it and all I see is a woman in chair talking and talking and talking. And even talking more. But I have to be fair, I talk to myself as well. Maybe she’s changing me into witch?!
Those are just few examples based on ‘How to spot a witch – XVII century guide’. Coincidence? I think NOT! American Horror Story, season 3, live in my living room.
Just in case: I don’t really believe she’s a witch, I guess it’s just stress makes me see more things happening around me when we are about to stay together. Normally I wouldn’t pay much attention to them, but since I always try to be perfect and ‘the best’ in her eyes it gives me a lot of pressure and my own mind says ‘Look, she has to be a witch. Or at least she’s cursing you. Trust me, I’m the same brain that told you if you eat a watermelon seed it will grow in your stomach. It’s all legitimate, I tell you’. Yes, it sure is and I’m a woman with a witch-in-law and a watermelon baby. Actually it would explain why after a meal I look like a Michelin commercial…
Do you have anyone like that in your family or around you? Or maybe you’re the unlucky person? Share your stories! 🙂