奶奶是一個女巫 – my mother in law is a witch

As you may (or may not) know I had a pleasure to meet my husband’s parents just month and a half before we got married. They knew about me, but we never really spoke to each other so it was pretty shocking for them to have an extra person in the family. Non of us had time to get used to each other. It’s been little bit over two year (yes, next Sunday Sing and I will have our second wedding anniversary!) but I cannot get over one feeling: my mother-in-law is a witch!image (25)

No, not that sexy-Chinese demon-witch, neither a witch from European fairy tales. Cross out witchy-mom-in-law from Polish jokes as well. In fact her look is pretty innocent and when she laughs you could even think she’s nice. As a matter of fact last few weeks she’s less annoying than my husband, but going back to the main topic: why I think she’s a witch?

In those past two years I’ve noticed there are weird things happening whenever we are about to meet or we see each other. Those thing don’t only happen to me but she also has impact for the environment. Let me show you some of the examples.

  • Weather gets crazy. Hong Kong people are used to having typhoons every now and then, but T10-typhoon is not really common. Just few days after we got married T10, Vincent, hit Hong Kong. I guess her sadness over losing son had a little delay. But it wasn’t the first time – last time T10 hit was in 1999. That was the same year Sing got his first Internet connection and discovered his first ghost-girl love, Hilary Duff. Also, back in Poland, my hometown Wroclaw is cold during the winter time but it’s not really often when the weather gets under -15C during the day. I don’t know the reason but whenever my husband went there during the winter time he never had a  chance to feel so much cold. Actually, if that’s a fact, I might now be a candidate to the Nobel Prize: Momzilla and her influence on global warming.
  • Animals are dying. That’s pretty sad but in 2012 when Momzilla came to visit my family, few days before her departure image (27)my beloved dog died. Yes, of course she was 14.5 years old which for dachshund is a lot and she was sick already for a while but I think she knew what’s happening. It wasn’t only her – the time Momzilla mentioned she wants to apply for a visa to visit us in America I found a dying bird in a backyard. Since she’s hear we also had a dead opossum right in front of our doors and I found a dead skunk. They all knew.
  • Spiders, spiders everywhere. I’m afraid of spiders, not just scared but I literally yell like I was hit by a car. They are disgusting, have big butts and way too many legs. Not to mention they are just little spies of devil walking around the world – I see no other reason why they would be created. And guess how many spiders I’ve seen last week? Four, including one in the shower (!) and one in our so-called bedroom. I didn’t want to put the picture, but you just need to see how big those bastards are. Maybe if those were the tiny ones I can easily smash with my slipper, but NO – let’s make sure daughter-in-law gets a heart attack when perverted spider watches her taking a shower.
  • Bruises all over me. First I thought that maybe I’m sick. Then I thought I might be actually dying. Later, after not sleeping for a whole night, I thought it was my husband who causes all those bruises when he dreams of being a horse. Seriously, no other explanation – either he’s a horse or Usain Bolt. Now I think it’s all because of her, maybe she’s making some potions. Or maybe I just need to be more active around the house so I don’t look so lazy, therefore I hit myself more often and look like I had a meeting with Mike Tyson. Good that at least I still have my ear.
  • Cats can sense paranormal activity. And evil. Biscuit is not the most active cat you will ever meet. To be honest, she’s one sweet lazy-ass, the only time she’s active is when she hears the food being moved. Aside of that maybe she will catch a fly or two, but most of her time is spent on the bed/floor/surface that allows her to lay down and sleep. Since Momzilla is here not only Biscuit has been active and running around. Whenever she tries to take kitty on her arms, Biscuit starts to meow and her pupils get huge. Unless Momzilla has some snack in her hand – Biscuit would sell her soul to the devil himself for some dried squid. Or maybe she has already done that…
  •  She has healing powers. Besides of course the power of hot water that can cure anything. Most of you 9on-coincidence-i-think-notprobably has seen a typical Chinese knife that looks like the owner was about to butcher someone? My mother-in-law has one too, luckily she still test it on me, but she cut her finger once. It wasn’t just a mark, but a deep, deep cut. I remember Sing and I almost got a heart attack, we left her with father-in-law and went straight to pharmacy downstairs for 雲南白藥. Did she went to a doctor? Nope, she just covered her finger, put some H2O2, maybe sprayed her finger once or twice with 雲南白藥 and she doesn’t even have a scar in that place. I hit my knee and I have a 3 cm scar there.
  • She speaks some kind of evilish (not elvish). Or simply Shanghainese, a language of the Dark Lord, Lord Vader and Momzilla. Often heard by witnesses of the exorcism. I can bet a slice of Black Forest Cake that it’s a fact – if you ever heard Shanghainese you would know I’m right and I would get fat with all the cake. 😉
    It is also said that witches talk to themselves and she does that too. I mean, she probably talks to her son but he chooses to ignore it and all I see is a woman in chair talking and talking and talking. And even talking more. But I have to be fair, I talk to myself as well. Maybe she’s changing me into witch?!

Those are just few examples based on ‘How to spot a witch – XVII century guide’. Coincidence? I think NOT! American Horror Story, season 3, live in my living room.

Just in case: I don’t really believe she’s a witch, I guess it’s just stress makes me see more things happening around me when weimage (26) are about to stay together. Normally I wouldn’t pay much attention to them, but since I always try to be perfect and ‘the best’ in her eyes it gives me a lot of pressure and my own mind says ‘Look, she has to be a witch. Or at least she’s cursing you. Trust me, I’m the same brain that told you if you eat a watermelon seed it will grow in your stomach. It’s all legitimate, I tell you’. Yes, it sure is and I’m a woman with a witch-in-law and a watermelon baby. Actually it would explain why after a meal I look like a Michelin commercial…

Do you have anyone like that in your family or around you? Or maybe you’re the unlucky person? Share your stories! 🙂
http://www.facebook.com/myhongkonghusband
http://www.instagram.com/myhongkonghusband
http://www.twitter.com/my_hk_husband

Advertisements

31 thoughts on “奶奶是一個女巫 – my mother in law is a witch

  1. Normally I’m the witch. Or whatever it is they call male witch. Sorcerer? Whenever I’m around (back to my hometown, going out with friends, etc), unusual things happen, like unusually heavy winds and rain, seeing a couple making out in their car in carpark, and so on. My friends said they never experienced these unusual things when I am not around.

    Like

  2. Wow, as I read more and more about your mother-in-law, the more I think she sounds like my mom. Seriously, like the knife, my mom has a large butcher knife like you said and she cut herself. It was impossible to stop the bleeding but once the bleeding stopped and she wrapped a bandage around the finger, the next day, it’s gone! I was like what???
    Also I always blame my mom for the weird weather because when she’s here, the weather is unusually warm. It doesn’t even snow but when she leaves to go to another state, blizzard comes. I guess moms are moms, whenever they visits, weird things happens.

    Like

    1. or maybe it’s something in that Asian-moms blood that make them heal so easily? normally people lose blood, then lose conscious – they almost cut their fingers off and it’s like a mosquito bite haha 🙂

      Like

  3. Hmm, sounds like you have some solid evidence there! Maybe try out some of the medieval witch spotting tactics, just to make sure? 😉
    My future mother-in-law may be an exception… She certainly is in a lot of ways. Rather than supernatural, I’d argue the case for her being super weird sometimes… often. She has on more than one occasion taken gifts that I gave to my fiancé (and he left behind at his parents’ house) and made them her own. Most I don’t mind, but one was a personal inside joke, so I got quite upset. Anyway, we bought her one of her own, a much cuter one, and got the other one back…but now she seems to have both again??? I thought it was in our house the whole time… Hmm… maybe she *does* have powers after all. :/

    Like

  4. Very funny, couldn’t stop laughing as you proceed to give your insight into you mom in law. Hope you make it past the next meeting. Maybe wear a cross to fight of the evil power. Good luck. I do hope you survive to give us the report of the meeting.

    Like

  5. I don’t know, I gave up on the Witch theory long time ago with my MIL. After watching Ancient Aliens I must say: Everything happens because she is an alien! http://www.paranormalpeopleonline.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/19cb52_ancient-aliens.jpg

    My MIL seems to affect the weather as well. All the past years we had cold winters with a lot of snow, guess what happened the day she arrived in February this year? Right, the temperature went from -19 to +6!!! All snow melted and only this greyish mud was left over. I am not so sure about other things though, it seems she has very much bad luck though. I cant remember a day where she didnt hit her feet somewhere or “accidentally” destroyed one of our home appliances (we needed already new toaster, rice cooker, coffee machine, exhaust hood, stove…)

    Like

  6. Hahaha, I’m starting to feel sorry for your MIL, what if she finds out you called her a witch? 😛

    I have a question regarding Cantonese, does 奶奶 mean MIL? In Mandarin it means grandma!

    Like

    1. she knows, she always has good cards in the game or when she played WII for the first time she bet both of us so I asked him to tell her she must be a witch 😀

      I think it’s different background but I cannot confirm, I only heard in Mandarin it’s the parental grandma while in Cantonese it’s mother-in-law, but why – I have no idea why 🙂 and some people say ‘If you speak one of the dialects you can easily understand the other one’ – hell no 😀

      Like

    1. No other choice – I can either keep on joking about it or get depressed and pray for my airplane back home to come 😀
      and if she’s not a witch how can she always have a ‘deal breaker’ when we play monopoly cards… coincidence? I THINK NOT! 🙂

      Like

  7. Haha, can’t stop laughing.

    Weather changes remind me of my husband’s fate of a dragon (a fortune teller told him he has the fate of a dragon and that’s why it always rains when important things happen). We had flooding right after our wedding and lots of rain and storms before the birth of our baby. But that’s a bit different from being a witch!

    Like

    1. I’m happy that it made you laugh 🙂

      Wow, that’s interesting! Maybe he’s some kind of ancient God and your little BB now is next Thor? 😀 And how are you know? 🙂 How’s your first days as mom? 🙂

      Like

    1. with their English skills it’s quite difficult, but for MIL, she knows I called her a witch – no one can have all deal breakers/just-say-no cards in monopoly deal or beat everyone’s butt in the video games she plays for the first time and not sell her soul to the devil 😉 as for my husband he reads – always before publishing 😉

      Like

  8. Hi My Hong Kong Husband!
    I love this post! Your writing is beautifully honest.
    I nominated you for a Liebster Award! If you’re interested in accepting check out my newest post at chloedoeschina.com.
    Love,
    Chloe 🙂

    Like

  9. our daughter-in-law is Taiwanese and… do I look like a witch?… 🙂 she says I’m like Samantha from “bewitched”! she can do the nose twitch, not me! 🙂

    Like

  10. LMAO !!! I like how you describe your mother in law…. It is well known especially in a Cantonese family from Hong Kong the mother in law are being branded as witches! One of my auntie is married to a man from Hong Kong. Pretty much the same…. So I think u should just focus on being happy with your husband in life Cuz you love him and life is so short… Don’t worry too much about that witch 😝

    Like

    1. haha thank you for all your comments 🙂 yes I’m Polish but I try to learn Cantonese haha 🙂 my mother in law is actually Shanghainese, Sing’s father is from HK and that’s where my husband is from too, but I think shanghainse mothers in law are much worse than Cantonese haha Sing’s outside grandma told her daughter in law that she’s fat and told the wife of the favorite grandson (the inside one sharing the family name) that they should divorce. Luckily Sing is the least favorite for that grandma so we are safe 😀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. That’s a pretty nasty comment! luckily the newer generations are not like the older generations…. Old fashion way of thinking is slowly disappearing… then again it really depends on one individual upbringing, characters and mindset. I am also a foreigner in my husband’s country.. so I do often get strange remarks from people…. Be strong and I know you will overcome anything 😉

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s