為何要分手?Why would you break up?

Hi everyone in the year of horse! image
If you still haven’t read it, check out my older post with a love horoscope. Also with a new lunar year we’re starting a short cycle about long distance, interracial, cross-cultural relationships – from breaking up to how to keep it on going.

Today I want to focus on why Chinese people – both men and women – decide to break up or at least why would they think about giving up their relationship. Next week we will go through pieces of advice how to keep the long distance relationship going and I will end it up with very Valentine’s day topic –  romantic short stories how Chinese men surprised their foreign partners even thought they couldn’t be physically with them on their special days!

Everyone had a moments of doubt in their life: which path you should go with your education, is your work satisfying enough… and even more often if you see your future with a person you’re currently with. I would lie if I said I never had a doubt about our relationship – is it worth to put both of us in long time loneliness, can we afford seeing each other, how can we work this thing up so both of us can feel successful and fulfilled. Besides my thoughts and worries I could hear comments from people I did (or did not) know  – how many of you, being in LDR, could hear your friends, family or some random people knowing about your situation that it doesn’t make sense, you cannot build a real bond between the two of you, a guy will surely cheat on you? I guess almost 100% can relate to any of the comments above. And personally for me that actually gave me a lot of strength to fight for us, that’s how I am. Tell me I’ll burn myself if I touch the fire and I will hold my hand there just to prove you how wrong you were. As now you can read – we end up pretty well with my stubbornness.

I guess we were both lucky, stubborn and mostly we had a huge support from now my mother-in-law, mostly financial support, so as two at that time students, we could see each other as much as possible.
Not everyone can say the same thing – with our research we digged out most common reasons why would Chinese people give up their foreign partners:

  • I live in Sichuan,  she lives in Seattle. 8h of time difference, 10159 km apart made me feel it’s too far to stay close with each 愛自己-2other, especially non of us could afford traveling, not to mention having problems with getting a visa.
  • I’m also from Sichuan, my partner was Dutch. Because of time difference we couldn’t even talk, it was hard to communicate every day. We talked less and less until one day we were like complete strangers.
  • Culture differences – I could stand being in other time zone but we were just too different. To be together I had to change so much I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. When I was myself we couldn’t be together.
  • I could handle it, it was my partner who gave up.
  • He cheated on me with a local girl.
  • Everything I wanted to do as a couple – going to the cinema, on date, eat out together – I had to do alone. Too bad he didn’t think the same and just done it with his female ‘friends’.
  • Mostly because of work – non of us wanted to move. I wanted to stay in China so she can come here and work or take care of a house if she wants to. She preferred her own career as well so in the end we decided to split.
  • I would break if I see no chance to make that relationship work in real life. I’m sick of staring at the screen for a whole day but I don’t think breaking up right away is a solution – I would give two winters to figure it out how to be close together or give up and follow our own paths.
  • I recently broke up after 8 years – last year we didn’t even give wishes to each other for Lunar New Year. After so many year we completely lost our passion and energy to distance.
  • I think I wouldn’t be the one to break up. I put so much into our relationship. It’s like 雞肋,食之無味,棄之可惜 – chicken rib, eat – no taste, dump – it’s a waste.
    My husband asked me to just put it literally here and I must say even thought it’s quite sad I love that phrase!
  • My biggest problem is when I say ‘good morning’ she replies to me with ‘have a good night’. We cannot do things at the same time, not to mention we cannot even normally talk.

From my point of view : yes, it’s hard to be together when you cannot touch or simply talk to someone you love. Yes, partner can cheat – but (s)he can do it being in the other room, they don’t need distance as an excuse. Yes, there are tears and doubts. Worries and sometimes big regrets. And it’s really hard to keep that kind of relationship but I really believe it’s worth to at least take a risk if there’s a real chance to end up together, close to each other. Maybe if not right time, place and person we wouldn’t be today together. I decided to take a risk, got the ‘cannot sleep from missing you – coupon’ and won the first prize (in my eyes) on husband’s lottery. 

Have you ever had a doubt about your relationship? Why? How did it end up? Share your experience! Whatever is your story I wish all of you a lot of happiness and love this year :)
https://www.facebook.com/myhongkonghusband

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9 thoughts on “為何要分手?Why would you break up?

  1. Miałam mnóstwo wątpliwości i zmartwień z powodu mojego związku na odległość. Chciałam go nawet zakończyć w zeszłym roku, nie będę wchodziła w szczegóły, bo wiele czynników się na to złożyło. Jednak mój partner przekonał mnie i postanowiliśmy “naprawić” nasz związek, jak i również pójść krok dalej i zapadła decyzja o ślubie i wspólnym życiu (jeszcze razem nie mieszkamy, ze względu na oczekiwanie na wizę, ale już niedługo… ;]) nie mówię, że nasz związek jest idealny, nigdy taki nie był i pewnie nigdy nie będzie. ale wydaje mi się właśnie, że to co jest idealne to szybko może się znudzić, więc cieszę się, że mamy nad czym “pracować”. Czy to są różnice kulturowe, czy różnice charakterów. Ważne żeby być open-minded” 😉
    Na pewno takie związki wymagają od nas wielu wyrzeczeń i dużej zawziętości, ale jeśli wiemy że to jest ta jedna jedyna osoba z którą chcemy być, to nam się to uda. Plusem takich związków jest to, że właśnie możemy tę drugą osobę poznać w sensie mentalnym i duchowym poprzez dłuuuuugie rozmowy, nie jest to tylko typowe zauroczenie fizycznością danej osoby.

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  2. Wow, I was just about to write a post about LDR… I have been in one since I can think of, like forever.
    When I met my husband back than I was living in Shanghai. So we rarely saw each other. I remember that year he came to visit me once, for three days. And that was the start of our relationship! From that year on I went to back and forth between China and Germany (and now even the UK). The longest I managed to stay with him (and his family) was nearly a year. Except that we just saw each other once a year for maybe two weeks (if at all).
    I rememeber having doubts the first year of our relationship. Thinking maybe it won’t work. Not just was there a huge distance between us, but also a big difference in living standards. He is from a very poor area, parents are farmers (sometimes his father would be a migrant worker), and he has no education. So, I was thinking all the time. Even if we stay together, what are we gonna do? Do we have to live in rural CHina, were he works on the fields? But that brings no money. So, would I have to follow him where ever he finds work? But then how am I supposed to find work? Would all the year of expensive education be for nothing? And if we decide to leave China, so I could find a job, what would he be doing? Chinese people with a master degree have problems to find a good job abroad, not alone someone who didn’t even finish high school… So you see I had all these doubts and questions.
    I took the risk… And I never looked back.

    All this years there was only one day (yes, just ond single day) we didn’t talk. And that was because he had the flu and fell asleep. I was sick worried. We talk ever single day. And for us it is even more difficult becauuse where he lived the internet connection was so terrible. There was no way we could use webcam and hear our voices. Also telephone calls were out of option, too expensive. So we used text messages. Back then QQ and now with smart phones and all we can use WeChat (and even use voice messages). Since beginning of January we are even able to use web camera 🙂 You cannot imagine what great feeling that is to see and hear the person. Everyone must know how difficult it is to just write a text. Texting is made worth when you don’t even speak the same language. He still cannot speak English. Fortunately my Chinese is pretty good. But still, even though, if you don’t see face experssions and hear the voice missunderstanding is regular! But we knew that would happen so would talk about every single thing.
    It has worked out. And it will. Maybe the major key to a working LDR is love.

    I will move back to Shanghai end of March. We still won’t be living together but at least it will be the same country with the same timezone. One day we will be able to wake up next to each other every single day and go to bed together. I don’t care if it takes another five years, afterall we have a lifetime to spend together.

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  3. I see most of your reasons are related to LDR. But there is another huge problem, maybe it needs another post.
    I am polish student (cześć!) and last year I spent 10 weeks in Macao, doing my internship. It was my first visit to Asia, so the culture shock was even bigger. Everything was a big mistery for me and at the beginning I couldn’t understand people’s behaviour. I had this luck that I met a lot of chinese people at the very beggining of my stay there (most of students at the university were from Mainland). Even my flatmate, now- my best friend, was from Mainland. Thanks to all of those people I was assimilating chinese habits and behaviour very fast.. They started to tell me stories about China, their families, schools, cities and .. RELATIONSHIPS which in my point of view were out of this world.. Used to ‘western’ style I was shocked that 90% of my chinese female friends had boyfriends in Europe/Australia/USA or Beijing – which is more than 2000km far away from Macao. All of them see their BFs once a year, or sometime once in 2 or 3 years. Wechat and skype are base for their relationship. It was a big stroke for my european mentality. With time I started to understand their choices.
    But there was one thing which I assume to be the biggest problem. Even my chinese friends say it is a problem which should disappear from China.. MONEY.
    Once, when I went to my laboratory, I found a girl (this time we just met and we wasn’t close friends yet) sitting in front of her computer, all in tears. At the beginning she didn’t want to tell me anything. I knew she has a bf in Beijing so I thought he could be the reason. I didn’t push her to any talk. But the next day she came to me and she told me the story that her mother said she HAS TO BREAK UP with her bf because he is ”not good enough” (of course it means he is not too rich). The girl is engineer now and she is the only child so mother knew that probably girl will have better salary that a boy (probably with a little bit ‘worse’ study course) so she made this decision for her daughter. Girl was sure she wants to be with him. But she had to be respectful for mother.. She knew it is not fair. She asked me hundreds time if I ever heard about such situation because she was smart enough to know that it doesn’t happen in any place but China…
    I still feel so sorry for my friend. She really loved this boy. But it is not the only example.. After her story I made small investigation and I was asking people. Everybody knows such stories. From family, friends’ group or neighbourhood. Macao is portuguese ex-colony so I met a lot of portuguese people there. I heard some stories about portuguese boys with chinese girlfriends whose mothers were coming from Mainland to Macao (sometimes VERY long way!) just to be sure that the girl is not dating portuguese ‘crazy’ boy with ‘unstable’ job.
    I love Asia, I love China, I fell in love with this culture. But I can’t look at thousands (huge number here) of chinese young people who are getting married to ‘proper’ person. Not a one who they simply love.

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  4. Some schools may offer programs below or above the average cost.
    Talking nonstop is not good; it forces you to put too
    much emphasis on your partner and makes you
    miss them that much more when they aren’t around.
    t have the chance to see your partner regularly, you’ll have to be able to put your faith in them.

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  5. My husband’s and my long distance relationship was later in our marriage. When I married him and for the next 4 years we lived in my country, the United States. After that we lived in the Philippines for about 15 years. He took business trips that lasted 2 or 3 weeks at a time, but most of the time we were together. The problem for me was that I wasn’t able to practice my career in the Philippines. That was hard to take. Later I had to take our children back to the United States while he stayed in the Philippines. This situation lasted for 5 years. By then we had been married for almost 20 years and our relationship was firmly established. Also, he was making enough money that I was able to travel to stay with him every few months while my mother stayed with our children. To many people it sounded like a difficult situation, but I’m sure it would have been much harder if we had been newly married or only dating.

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  6. Long distance relationship is definitely a challenge, but like Chenchen said “we’ve just gotta go all in or all out.” Fortunately, we only have 1 hour time difference now, as he is in Scotland and I am in Norway, as I moved back to Norway when we found out he got into University in Scotland, so we didn’t have to be too far apart from each other, and luckily we are able to see each other quite often. But even with just 1 hour time difference it can be hard as he is a student and he finish he’s classes late (6 pm) and I work full time so I go to bed quite early, but we manage, we got wechat, skype and QQ. To us, trust has never been a problem, as we can chat / send messages to each other all day long if we want to. I think to me its more that feeling of being together physically which makes it hard, but when we meet its great. I would never give up on our LDR, the love and the trust that you get from a LDR relationship is great ! 🙂

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  7. I’m glad there are so many good experiences with LDR. I have had only one LDR and unfortunately it didn’t end up well. It was my bf from University, we both were from the same country. After 4 years together in our home country I went to China to study. The long distance relationship lasted for about 3 more years, but on and off. In the end he decided to break up and we ended up badly. I don’t hold any grudges but he hates me and hasn’t talked to me in almost 4 years, after being together for 7 years. When I think of what happened at the end, and the time I spent in China but being “chained” to my home country by this bf, I kind of regret not having broken up before. Maybe now we would still be friends and I would have enjoyed more, going out and meeting more people, instead of staying home to talk to him on Skype.
    So after this experience, I wouldn’t put myself again in a LDR. I just don’t have the strength.

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