Hi everyone in the year of horse!
If you still haven’t read it, check out my older post with a love horoscope. Also with a new lunar year we’re starting a short cycle about long distance, interracial, cross-cultural relationships – from breaking up to how to keep it on going.
Today I want to focus on why Chinese people – both men and women – decide to break up or at least why would they think about giving up their relationship. Next week we will go through pieces of advice how to keep the long distance relationship going and I will end it up with very Valentine’s day topic – romantic short stories how Chinese men surprised their foreign partners even thought they couldn’t be physically with them on their special days!
Everyone had a moments of doubt in their life: which path you should go with your education, is your work satisfying enough… and even more often if you see your future with a person you’re currently with. I would lie if I said I never had a doubt about our relationship – is it worth to put both of us in long time loneliness, can we afford seeing each other, how can we work this thing up so both of us can feel successful and fulfilled. Besides my thoughts and worries I could hear comments from people I did (or did not) know – how many of you, being in LDR, could hear your friends, family or some random people knowing about your situation that it doesn’t make sense, you cannot build a real bond between the two of you, a guy will surely cheat on you? I guess almost 100% can relate to any of the comments above. And personally for me that actually gave me a lot of strength to fight for us, that’s how I am. Tell me I’ll burn myself if I touch the fire and I will hold my hand there just to prove you how wrong you were. As now you can read – we end up pretty well with my stubbornness.
I guess we were both lucky, stubborn and mostly we had a huge support from now my mother-in-law, mostly financial support, so as two at that time students, we could see each other as much as possible.
Not everyone can say the same thing – with our research we digged out most common reasons why would Chinese people give up their foreign partners:
- I live in Sichuan, she lives in Seattle. 8h of time difference, 10159 km apart made me feel it’s too far to stay close with each other, especially non of us could afford traveling, not to mention having problems with getting a visa.
- I’m also from Sichuan, my partner was Dutch. Because of time difference we couldn’t even talk, it was hard to communicate every day. We talked less and less until one day we were like complete strangers.
- Culture differences – I could stand being in other time zone but we were just too different. To be together I had to change so much I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. When I was myself we couldn’t be together.
- I could handle it, it was my partner who gave up.
- He cheated on me with a local girl.
- Everything I wanted to do as a couple – going to the cinema, on date, eat out together – I had to do alone. Too bad he didn’t think the same and just done it with his female ‘friends’.
- Mostly because of work – non of us wanted to move. I wanted to stay in China so she can come here and work or take care of a house if she wants to. She preferred her own career as well so in the end we decided to split.
- I would break if I see no chance to make that relationship work in real life. I’m sick of staring at the screen for a whole day but I don’t think breaking up right away is a solution – I would give two winters to figure it out how to be close together or give up and follow our own paths.
- I recently broke up after 8 years – last year we didn’t even give wishes to each other for Lunar New Year. After so many year we completely lost our passion and energy to distance.
- I think I wouldn’t be the one to break up. I put so much into our relationship. It’s like 雞肋，食之無味，棄之可惜 – chicken rib, eat – no taste, dump – it’s a waste.
My husband asked me to just put it literally here and I must say even thought it’s quite sad I love that phrase!
- My biggest problem is when I say ‘good morning’ she replies to me with ‘have a good night’. We cannot do things at the same time, not to mention we cannot even normally talk.
From my point of view : yes, it’s hard to be together when you cannot touch or simply talk to someone you love. Yes, partner can cheat – but (s)he can do it being in the other room, they don’t need distance as an excuse. Yes, there are tears and doubts. Worries and sometimes big regrets. And it’s really hard to keep that kind of relationship but I really believe it’s worth to at least take a risk if there’s a real chance to end up together, close to each other. Maybe if not right time, place and person we wouldn’t be today together. I decided to take a risk, got the ‘cannot sleep from missing you – coupon’ and won the first prize (in my eyes) on husband’s lottery.
Have you ever had a doubt about your relationship? Why? How did it end up? Share your experience! Whatever is your story I wish all of you a lot of happiness and love this year :)