‘No ring, no wedding, no honeymoon, no flat, no car’ – nightmare of probably 99% Chinese men. It is all connected to tradition that men should provaid their future wives place to live or at least families of people who get married should take care of future living place of their future grandchild. Not to mention responsibility for a good wedding, paying for ‘picking up’ wife on the wedding day etc. – it’s all on man’s shoulders, especially in a place that has 12 mln less women than men.
My husband many times read me stories when family was too greedy and in the end non of them could get married. ‘If I tell my friends you paid me just that for my daughter I will lose my face’ – guy couldn’t afford, neither the second one, she got in her 30s…
Again with help of my lovely husband-translator I’ve decided to confront 3 points of view: Chinese men, Chinese women and opinions I got on my country’s wedding forum. And it all stared from one of the Chinese forums with topic: ‘Girls, do you marry a guy or you marry a flat’?
Chinese men opinions
- It’s easy to buy flat but it’s hard to find love
- Isn’t rented flat ALSO a flat?
- You come to earth with nothing
- Guy who owns a lots of money to the bank is nothing to be proud of
- Most of Western marriages are naked-marriage, don’t they have love or good life?
- Since girls are so materialistic even thought I can afford I just don’t want to get married anymore
- Guy doesn’t equal hard work, girl doesn’t equal only relax, both of them should have work and play to build future together
- If flat and a car is too much go get at least a car, show her you might not have enough money now but you will give her stable life
- How can I make girl I love have unstable future with me
- Marrying with flat is good, but I don’t agree breaking up just because you don’t have a flat
- No flat, no talk, don’t worry about that cause you won’t get married anyway (this one is a reply for the sentence above from the other guy)
- Marriage is and always been a business: she’s a seller, you are the buyer, don’t tell me anything about romantic love
- I believe in the romantic love, two people can handle life together (reply to ‘marriage is a business’)
- First true love is the best one to get married, it’s so pure and innocent, not bothered with money or flat
- Young people, just graduated have problems with finding a good job, sometimes anyjob – couple should support each other and get that flat together
- Girls who marry a flat might not be happy at all – friend of mine married a rich man with a flat 3 years ago, 2 years a go she gave a birth to a child, he started to disappear with his mistress, just paying 3000-4000 yuan/month and let her live in a flat, everyday she’s alone but she cannot complain to anyone because from ‘brain’ people will tell her she made a good decision marrying her
- Guy owns as much flats as he owns girls – 1st flat to wife, 2nd to mistress, 3rd to 2nd mistress etc. (not so funny ‘joke’ guy made as a reply to comment above)
- Tell me honestly how many young men can afford a flat, especially in major cities?
- I don’t have flat or car or even savings, but I have a good stable job that makes me not worried about my present – yet I’m still single, I guess naked marriage really doesn’t work in this country
- Flat is not too much for a girl you love to ask, don’t complain about the request, it’s just a request but if she rejects proposal because of that then she was never worth to get married
Chinese women opinions
- I marry a guy but where will we live?
- Flat is nothing special, it’s to show your abilities and to prove how good you are
- If you are too poor to buy a flat why you want someone you love to share your poorness?
- If a guy cannot give a warm house to live how he can show his love? (here you can come back to ‘Western naked marriages’ from guys opinion, he replied exactly to this comment)
- I rent a flat now, but who wouldn’t like to live in a place that belongs only to them?
- Flat is fixed, guy can be changed, don’t be stupid with your choice (I don’t really know what she tried to say, maybe it’s lost in translation)
- If you love her you think she’s not worth a flat?
- Girl can live tough life worrying if the two of them can grow old together, because of how poor their are; worry about clothes to wear, food to eat, place to live, non of them will be happy, just a burden to each other then why not eliminate that problem at the very beginning?
- I marry a man
- Husband is always a husband, flat doesn’t equal home. I want to come back to home with my husband, not miss him everyday because he works like a mad dog to pay off the debt
- I marry someone who uses my stuff not the other way – here I need to explain, Chinese use different sign to say girl comes to husband’s family and different for guy taking a girl, she used a sign saying actually her husband is the one who came to her family, not she came to his
- Only useless men would ask that kind of question – it’s OK if you still cannot afford in young age a flat but work hard and show that you will give them a stable life, that you have some abilities. In future I get my own flat, I just don’t want to meet people like you who do nothing and just complain
- Just find someone who matches you in life and standard, don’t find someone richer or poorer than you are
- If a girl cannot get a baby how many guys around her she will have?
- Clothes, money, living – it all costs, if you cannot give it to your wife how can you take care of 3 people when she stays home once she get pregnant?
- Naked marriage is scary – everyday is worrying about tommorow, will the rent go out? Or maybe you will get kicked out? You lose your job, you cannot pay the rent, we get homeless. America and Europe are protected by the law (which is true, in America rent in a year cannot increase more than 3%, in China/HK they can say next month you pay double of what you pay now and take it or leave it), here you need to work like a dog, cannot get sick, cannot take a day off. Naked marriage in a daydream with romantic love is nice, but our reality shows it cannot really work.
- I prefer to marry a flat, then fall in love with that guy.
- I don’t need it from the very beginning, I want our love to motivate us for hard work – I married a man without a flat, even if I can see we still cannot afford it I appreciate all his effort and hard work for us
Polish forums opinions – please remember my country is used NOT to own a flat:
- Yes, it might work if you really love each other
- 50/50 – depends on the people
- I know a couple who used to live like that for few years but one day she said ‘enough is enough’, she felt empty, she wanted to finally feel stable
- It’s OK to rent a flat but never agree to ‘save money and live with parents’ – it ruins the marriage
- Is honeymoon or beautiful flat a reason why your marriage should be good? That’s so childlish.
- Since when marriage is about wedding or honeymoon? Flat and car is something you can get during your marriage with hard work, but the first three aspects (ring, wedding, honeymoon) are really not important – they are nice but they are not something that is needed to make a good and happy relationship. If young couple is opened and willing to make some sacrifices everything can work out.
- Ring, wedding or honeymoon is not needed. For car you can use public transport. But you should have some place to live…
- Of course it won’t work out – it can only be good if you have 3 BMW, 3 houses, on your honeymoon you go to see the whole world while living in the most luxury hotels and your ring is shining brighter than a moon
- We got married little bit less than one year ago – we had literally nothing, no house, no car, our rings were worth 50 PLN (less than 16USD) both, I had no engagment ring. We won’t go for our honeymoon for next few years until we can save up for something really nice. On the wedding day our whole belongings fit into a tiny truck. Yet I’m still the most happy woman in the world
As you can see some of the opinions are really extreme. What is your point of view? Could you be in a naked marriage? Yes/no, why? I’m really curious how you see this!