Weather is getting warmer, people are happier – just a perfect time for a romance. No matter if you’re white, black, Asian, Latino, mixed – love is for everyone. But have you ever wonder why it’s such a rare thing to see Asian-white couple where girl is white and guy is Asian? Sometimes it really bothers me why people are so surprised seeing me with my husband when it’s so normal to them to see same ‘kind’ of relationship with switched gender. To make it even more funny the most surprised are always other Asians.
I remember last year in Guangzhou we went shopping and two people from stuff were making comments like ‘Oh, he can handle her’ etc. like I was some kind of alien filled up with hormones and a bit of feminine parts. Probably this is the part when problems with dating/finding a white girl starts and it goes from both of sides. Stereotypes. Today I won’t try to overcome them or convince anyone to change their preferences, I will try to show you what makes gwaimui-lovers further to get a girl of your dreams.
I tried to focus more on Chinese people since Sing is one of them so I’m much more familiar with that culture and I can make some comments about it from a view of white person living a chinese culture.
I will try to show you what behaviors or things you can change to have a higher chances to date gwaimui. I’m from central Europe so it might not apply to girls from America or Australia and people around the world are just different, have different preferences so please, especially Asian-loving girls – leave your comments, what you like or dislike in Asian guys.
After so long introduction we should get started!
Personally I’m Asian-lover. I love culture, food, way of being so I’m not objective and that’s why I decided to ask random girls in the age of 18 to 30 why would they or wouldn’t they date an Asian guy. But before that please remember it’s nothing that should offend you, upset you or that’s my opinion, you don’t need to agree, it’s just to show you how Asian male are seen by white society. So let’s take a look on some of what women said:
Simply I’m not attracted to them
I wouldn’t be if he doesn’t speaks English very well or my language
I don’t like the way they look – so weak and not manly
Asian? Is he some kind of alien/predator? Human like any other, he might be charming or a bastard just like black or white person.
Asian as a skin tone or country he comes from doesn’t matter, but some kind of religion or cultural background might scare the girls to start that kind of relationship.
I’m very tall – 1.78 cm, it would very hard for me to find someone that could match me. And… you know ‘manly parts’.
And that’s why I mentioned stereotypes before. I saw one blog that give an ‘advices’ to Asian guys how to pick up a white girl. What I read there made me tell you gwaimui-lovers one thing: NEVER listen to a guy that talks about ‘toothpick-tunnel’ stereotypes and calls a girl ‘easy’ just because she’s white. If both of you think with stupid stereotypes you just won’t be able to be with person you like. That’s all I have to say about that guy and the last quote.
Anyway – I try to gather all the reasons together and just explain from my point of view, maybe give some advices.
I start with it because it is one of the things that matter – everyone judge person by looking at them, you don’t see woman for the first time and think ‘What beautiful personality she surely has’. But that’s a very personal thing. Some of the readers might be attracted to specific/only their race and it’s absolutely normal and that’s one of the things you cannot do anything about. But there’s also another type of girls – they could be with Asian but because of popculture and media they see an unattractive type of male for them. Growing in white country, seeing around all those ‘hairy manly man’ will always have some kind of influence on our choice, especially if father was an armyman/policeman/fireman etc. I’m not attracted to my own race but I don’t like femminine guys. We should be Yin (阴) of the relationship. What we get ‘served’ is very extreme – either really poor farmers or K-pop/J-pop/Canto-pop man with female face and body. There’s nothing wrong with looking good, taking care of yourself and don’t think you need to grow muscles like Goku, get some mustache and don’t take a shower for a week. No, no, no. Just act more self confident, put your head a little bit more up, when there’s rain don’t run and scream that your perfect hair will be damaged – I saw it few times and it was something that really is not attractive. Asian guys – you have potential, you are so smart and handsome – at least in my opinion – just need small things to make you more attractive for us! And I forgot about one more thing that every white girl I know hates and I beg you guys – NEVER offer that you can take her purse. That’s why we bought them and we can handle them on our own. In Hong Kong every time we walked out I haven’t seen a couple from my generation where girl was holding his own purse. I don’t know if it’s connected to 公主病 (Princess syndrome) or just being TOO nice, but in eyes of white female it’s something that will make you lose your charm. It’s ok to help with groceries or any other situation – being a gentelman is always good but taking the purse, even in long term relationship, is not something we find attractive.
We’re at the point you guys are so handsome to a girl, you go on a date… and problem starts. It’s not that you don’t have anything you talk about, the problem is in the language. Every not native-speaker or someone who has a chance to learn it since he/she was a child will have an accent so if that’s the only thing that stops you from talking to a girl then don’t hesitate! Even if she’s one of the native speakers you can always ask her to give you some advices, practice language a little bit and when you are affraid of your accent just think of Russell Peters – you can make a girl laugh and that’s step one to any closer friendship/relationship. It will also help you in future job, dealing with people, less problems while traveling. There are so many benefits of improving your language skills! Now you might ask why not speak in guy’s language. It’s simple – English global used language and it is very simple to learn, on the other hands any Asian language even having a latin alphabet translation is not that easy. Grammar for so called ‘Chinese’ is quite simple but tones and signs make it extremely difficult. No one said girl won’t be willing to get known your culture and language – currently I’m trying to speak Cantonese. But that’s possible only with she has passion and skills to do that, no point in forcing anyone to study each other’s languages. There’s still ‘Polish for foreigners’ that my husband didn’t touch since last December. But there’s need to be one mutual language you can speak without thinking too much, just naturally – if no then it will make both of you tired and not willing to talk to each other. So whenever you feel ashamed of your English or feel stressed because of it think of Russell Peters and bring a smile to a girls face 🙂
Culture and religion differences
Everyone knows that western world and Asia are different in so many ways. Some of them are to overcome, some of them are not. Let’s start from religion – most of white people are either some kind of catholic or atheist, but those who believe really deeply and follow every order of church could not be with someone who doesn’t believe in God or is not willing at least to take church catholic wedding if bishop allows non-believer to attend. That’s the thing you cannot do much about. For me, I’m a Catholic but I never forced my husband to believe, he goes with me to church on special occasions, I will bow with him to ghost or whoever he bows. It’s all about respect of each others traditions and people. In modern Europe when more and more people claim to be atheist or ‘believing but not practicing’ it’s not a very big deal but it’s a thing that should be discussed.
For me the biggest culture difference is view of the family , relationship with parents and things connected to it. Parents are very respected, have huge influence on marriage and life of a child. In the older times son lived with his wife and parents, so usually home had 3 generations of people: grandparents, parents and child and that’s something what white girl wouldn’t want and found unhealthy for the relationship. And since prices of flats in East Asia are so high it might not change soon. In case of argument parent’s will always take their son’s side, girl will be left alone, not to mention she should also obey the mother. From my experience I must say mother-in-law and daughter-in-law relationships at the beggining are very tough, age and culture differences makes us sometimes really annoyed, because both of us ‘know better’. She is upset that I’m not obeying her, I’m upset because she doesn’t think what I do is good and in the middle there’s my poor little husband who has to make both of his women happy. And now there’s my advice for every girl that plans to marry an Asian guy – time taught me that the best for you and your relationship will be just doing it HER way. No matter if you like it or not that’s what your loved guy saw all his life, he is used to things to be done that way. I know it might sound like ‘losing’ and why would someone told you what to do but belive me there will be many times your guy has to deal with both of you at the same time and it’s better to let it go. He will appreciate it. Besides – when he visits your parents you would like him to obey them too, right? But I will make a separate article about this, because it’s really a huge topic to discuss.
There are also many small culture differences that bother gwaimui:
different look on animals – some people cannot understand why Asians are not so touchy with animals, they don’t have cuddly pets and even ‘worse’ – they eat the animals white people usually keep at home, for example: bosintang, a soup that includes dog meat; I wouldn’t eat it, I wouldn’t like to see how it’s made but I don’t mind people eating it, I eat other types of meat and I’m not a hypocrite to tell people what they should or shouldn’t eat. Can you do something about it? I don’t think so, but I also think it shouldn’t be a big deal unless you want to make her eat it or see it.
- manners – that’s a really big deal. Since a child they taught us to eat with no sound, just talk casually. Chinese meals are huge, slow and mostly loud. Even younger generation doesn’t burp they still make sound while eating so that’s the thing girls cannot stand, find it very rude and impolite. Sitting in a chinese restaurant for 2-3 hours (of course not during lunch, that’s a crazy time) is really hard for someone who is not used to that – people talk really loud, enjoy their meal, drink soup with a sound. My advice: try your best to make as less sound as possible, girl will see you as a gentleman, especially if you have ‘impolite’ people around you.
- food – since I started to cook chinese food with Sing’s mom recipes I’ve noticed there are many types of food which are similar to western food or can be a safe choice for someone not familiar with that cuisine. Fried noodles/rice is the safest of them, but to make it more special I would recommend you some soup noodles or rice, sweet and sour pork – just for the record for people who don’t know this chinese sweet and sour is more sour comparing to European style – and winter melon or gai lan, which by the way is the best vegetable ever made 😉 If you like smelly tofu or fried pork intestines it’s really not good choice for a date, but it’s also a mistake Chinese men make when they want to show a girl some ‘specific’ tastes and just make it too… exotic. Personally I don’t mind trying new things but fried pork belly or stinky tofu wouldn’t make a good memory with a guy.
Long distance relationship, relocation and future
Most common way to meet people from around the world is Internet, of course there are international students, people travel but I think everyone can agree with me that most of that kind of relationship start on the Internet. Before I go to my main point there’s some wisdom from me: check few times someone you want to take seriously, some girls want to use Asian man, especially the one that are not very self confident, to get money or go to Asia, have free place to stay pretending they are ‘so in love’. Some men got robbed thinking he’s flying to his love girl, once he left airport her friends just robbed him and beat him. So please, be careful. And I wish non of the readers will even need to go through this.
Anyway – let’s say you met, you’re in love, things getting serious… Who should move out? How to deal with this? How to make it work out? There are so many questions and things to do, it’s not only your love but also need to deal with government papers, one of you has to leave their whole life, family, everything. That’s very individual but I want to help you since I’ve been thru that too.
- Long distance relationship – it’s always good to try, but you need to be aware that it takes a lot of effort, time, trust, tears and money to make it work out. Flights are not that cheap, we were lucky to get parent’s support to be together. Often you have work/school, there’s few hours difference between your countries. It will be hard, but if you’re sure it’s person you want to be with it’s worth everything you put into this. Maybe I’m naive but that’s just the way I am. If you cannot trust and you’re not patient, don’t try – it will hurt both of you. I must say we are lucky to live in the times we live. There’s Internet, Skype, whatsapp, Wechat and other things that can let you stay in touch – don’t need to give up private life but just try to keep in touch as much as possible. My husband used to send me pictures of his daily life just to make me more involved in it and I must say for me it was wonderful.
- Relocation and future – in my opinion it’s time of hardest decisions for a couple. One of you in that moment gives up family, friends, school, job, everything they have. How to solve it? First of all think of where both of you could work, where is the place that accepts your school diplomas, where is the easiest to survive. White people might think it doesn’t matter – it does, for example girl follows guy to Hong Kong, but her diploma is not accepted there, she doesn’t know the language so the only paycheck comes from her man. Now please think of how much is renting a flat there, taking a bus etc. If you two can have better future in her country just pick it and convince his parents to let him go, because it’s not that obvious that he can just go (one of the culture differences). And don’t worry that you might end up with nothing – no education, no ambitions, no work, no friends. You are all still young, you can go to foreign school, you can still know the language, you can do volunteering job to do something, meet people there. It’s not the ending, just a new beggining. Also when you wonder where to move think of racism – when you consider it I think it’s better to choose Asia. They won’t attack you there because man is the dominating site, he is owning you, he is the ‘winner’ not the other way. In white countries some of stupid, racist people think it’s a downgrade for a white female to date any guy of different race and might get agressive. There was a time in Russia, when Russian girl and her half-Chinese baby got attacked because she ‘dared’ to be married to non-Russian, not to mention non-white guy. Once you can settle those two things it should be much easier.
In the end of this long post I want to say that I wish I could help any of you and if you have any ideas of why you think white females are affraid to enter a relationship with Asian man, want to discuss any of the points that have been made or have any question leave a comment or write me an email – firstname.lastname@example.org
I hope you enjoyed and see you next time!